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How to Recognize A Manipulator (And Protect Yourself)

June 5, 2017 by Chris Butler

A manipulator is someone who tries to control you. These individuals are often skilled at mind games to gain power over you in your relationship. Manipulators are challenging to identify. They are subtle at exploiting you to benefit themselves in some way. Manipulative relationships occur in romantic relationships and between coworkers, friends, or family members.

Here are some ways you can recognize a manipulator and protect yourself.

10 Signs Someone Is a Manipulator and How to Protect Yourself

Information is critical–so once you know these red flags, you’ll also understand how to protect yourself from these toxic people.

1 – A manipulator plays the victim

A manipulator will play the victim. They’ll act like whatever you ask them to do is an enormous burden, exploiting your emotions not to do whatever you asked them to do. They like to get sympathy from others. Manipulators say things like,

This task is too hard. I don’t think you knew what you were asking of me.

Okay, I guess I’ll do that for you even though I’m overwhelmed.

How to protect yourself

Be aware of their desire to play the victim in your relationship. Don’t defend yourself if they say these things. Getting defensive is what they want. Stop talking and walk away. This maneuver overrules their ability to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them.

2 – Gaslighting

Gaslighting is lying. It’s purposely confusing the truth to mislead. They twist what you say and question you as if they’re lawyers in a courtroom. A manipulator wants to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. You may feel frustrated and unsure of fact versus fiction.

How to protect yourself

To outsmart a manipulative person, don’t get into the conversation. Don’t try to counter with evidence or information. It never works. The best thing to do is to walk away. Refuse to meet them at their level.

3 – A manipulator seeks to maintain power

Manipulators know how to maintain power over others. Misrepresentation of your feelings and twisted compliments can make you feel overwhelmed and confused about your relationship. A manipulator likes to create drama to get a reaction out of you. If you try to respond, they say things like

Aren’t you the perfect child?

So, you’ve never made a mistake?

Who are you to try to tell me to change?

How to protect yourself

First of all, don’t try to meet a manipulator’s needs. Refuse to engage in a conversation that is getting dramatic like this. Stop talking to them. They won’t be happy you aren’t engaging with them, but you won’t get manipulated by them.

4 – The manipulator puts others down

Manipulators are masters at putting people down. They mix compliments with negative comments to unsettle you. They may compliment you on your outfit, then mention you look like you’ve gained weight. Individuals in a relationship with a manipulator can have a roller coaster of emotions, feeling loved one minute and hated the next. A manipulator may use a condescending tone or patronize you. If you question how they’re talking to you, they’ll say they were joking.

How to protect yourself

The best way to overcome a put-down is to turn the tables on your manipulator. They expect you to defend yourself or start a fight. Instead, say something like, No, I’m not skinny, am I? or try sarcasm, such as Thanks for your insight. These responses disarm the manipulator and ruin their ability to control you.

5 – Isolation tactics

Isolating you from your friends and family is another subtle tactic of a manipulative person. They may say they don’t trust your friends or loved ones or persuade you to pull away from everybody but them. They may even guilt you when you’re going out with friends, saying that you’re “choosing your friends over them.” Sulking, acting sad, or even telling you how much they love you are tactics they’ll use to isolate you from those you love.

How to protect yourself

Please don’t give in to their manipulation as you see this happening. Meet them where they’re at with statements like, I’m wondering why you’re trying to keep me from my other friends? It’s unattractive when you grovel like this. Please stop.

6 – Blameshifting behaviors

Manipulators can seem sensitive and sweet to you but then turn the table and blame you for something you didn’t do. They will accuse you of breaking the relationship, claiming that you are the cause of their problems. It’s demeaning and demoralizing to be treated like this.

How to protect yourself

If you try to defend yourself, they’ll belittle you and say you’re being mean to them. Don’t try to please them. Say something like. I’m not sure why you’re trying to blame me for everything wrong. That’s not realistic. Then drop the conversation. They’ll see they can’t bait you into an argument.

7 – Condescension

Looking down on you is a manipulator’s way of showing their superiority over you. Manipulators have a grandiose sense of self. They may show their condescension through body language and words. They may ignore your comments or act like it’s a huge sacrifice to talk with you. Other non-verbal signs of a manipulator’s condescension include:

The condescending tone of voice
Sarcasm
Sighs
Shrugs
Eye rolling
Side eye glances
Disgusted look
Raise one eyebrow
Patronizing tone

How to protect yourself

Protecting yourself is ignoring them. Refuse to engage with them. You can get things out in the open by challenging them by saying something like. You seem to want to get at me. Why is that? What are you trying to say to me by acting this way?

8 – They hope you doubt yourself

A manipulator wants you to doubt yourself. You may begin to wonder if what they say is true about you. Manipulators like to steal your confidence. They overpower your thoughts and minimize your opinions. Their goal is to always have the upper hand over you, so you doubt yourself. Their behavior is demeaning and demoralizing.

How to protect yourself

Refuse to give in to doubts about who you are and what you believe. If they try to manipulate your opinions, tell them you disagree and walk away. Stop thinking you need their approval to be happy.

9 – The manipulator is often very charming

A manipulator is sweet to you when they want something. They may ask a favor, and after you say yes, they follow up with their actual request. This puts you in an awkward place, causing the manipulator to force you into your commitment. When they act charming, there’s a lack of thoughtfulness or concern for you when ta challenge them to overpower you and make you do what they want. This can happen at work when a co-worker asks a favor only to reveal the real reason was to get you to go out with them. Their behavior may make you feel unsafe around them.

How to protect yourself

If this happens at work or school, refuse to cooperate even if you need to go back on your word. You don’t need their acceptance to be happy. If you’re in a romantic relationship, it may be worthwhile to step back and see if perhaps there are things you can learn about yourself.

Why are you an easy target for them?
Does this person manipulating you feel like the only way you do things for them is if they trick you into it?
Why do you put yourself in these positions with people like this?

10 – Silent treatment

The silent treatment is one of the most common tactics of a manipulator. It’s a passive-aggressive way of punishing you when you don’t do what the manipulator wants. Besides that, it is unloving and makes you feel rejected. It’s easy to allow the silent treatment to affect you to the point that you do what the manipulator wants to get them to talk to you.

How to protect yourself

When someone is not talking to you it’s uncomfortable. Please don’t allow them to control you like this. You don’t need their acceptance to feel happy about your life. Walk away. If they aren’t talking to you, find someone else to talk to.

Final Thoughts on Knowing How to Recognize–and Protect Yourself–from a Manipulator

A healthy relationship is based on respect, trust, and understanding. This should be true of romantic relationships, friendships, co-workers, and family relationships. Sadly, there are some individuals who use manipulation to control you. They don’t have your best interest in mind but want to overpower you. They may put you down, use the silent treatment, gaslight you and play the victim when you disagree with them. If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, surround yourself with other people who truly love you.

Their support can help you not fall victim to a manipulator. Learn how to deal with the manipulator by refusing to engage with them and not giving in to their desire for you to defend yourself. You should never feel you need to accept someone manipulating you. You are in control of your responses and don’t need to feel as if you must give in to others’ desire to control you.

Researchers Reveal Why You Should Drink Two Cups of Coffee Every Day

June 4, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Increased consumption of caffeinated coffee and, to a lesser extent, decaffeinated coffee, are associated with reduced risk of hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC), including in pre-existing liver disease. These findings are important given the increasing incidence of HCC globally and its poor prognosis. – Kennedy, J.T., et. al, 2017, “Coffee, including caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee, and the risk of hepatocellular carcinoma.”

Hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC) is the world’s sixth most commonly diagnosed cancer and the third leading cause of cancer deaths. HCC comprises about 90 percent of all liver disease cases.

The disproportionate “disease to death” ratio of HCC highlights the disease’s poor prognosis history. Tragically, HCC patients are often prescribed the wrong treatment regimens or are deemed “ineligible” for certain treatment options.

In this article, we discuss a bit about HCC: symptoms, treatment – and, yes – how coffee may help!

Why is this information important? (Please read)

The information provided in this article may be mistaken as melancholic; please understand this is not the intent. The primary motivation for this article is to educate and inform people of conditions that may threaten human health.

In short, knowing this information could save your life – or that of someone you love. As with any health-related article, we discuss what may be perceived as “negative.” Of course, this is not our intent. Please do not misinterpret factual, research-based health articles for pessimism.

We care about the health of our readers. Indeed, all of you have given us incredible amounts of attention, love, respect, and trust since the founding of this site. Thank you.

What is hepatocellular carcinoma (HCC)?

HCC, as mentioned, is one of the most common types of liver cancer, often co-occurring in patients with an underlying liver disorder such as cirrhosis or liver disease.

About a half-million people die from HCC each year, with the largest proportion of deaths in regions of Africa and Asia – two geographical areas with higher-than-average rates hepatitis B and hepatitis C; both conditions are known precursors to liver disease and HCC.

But what about in the United States? Well, a different type of cirrhosis, which “develops in the setting of nonalcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD), or steatohepatitis (NASH)” is of particular concern to public health experts. The risk of developing NASH increases in cohort with conditions such as dyslipidemia (i.e., high cholesterol), hypertension, obesity, and type 2 diabetes – the most common type of diabetes in the developed world.

During the advanced stages of HCC, many patients are deemed ineligible for invasive procedures that may or may not spread the disease. Age, advanced stages of illness, and degree of liver deterioration are all reasons why patients are denied certain treatments.

Given the uncertainty of the disease, and the potentially severe consequences thereof, any potential treatment – preventative or otherwise – is worthy of consideration.

Why You Should Drink Two Cups of Coffee Every Day

Regarding HCC, just one cup of java per day may decrease the risk of the disease by 20 percent; two cups by 35 percent, and four or more cups by 50 percent. Many doctors recommend no more than 400 milligrams of coffee daily. That equals four cups.

The abovementioned research is particularly significant, as scientists believe that annual cases of HCC may rise by approximately 50 percent, or 1.2 million people. So, how can coffee possibly mitigate this risk?

Dr. Oliver Kennedy of the University of Southampton explains:

“Coffee is widely believed to possess a range of health benefits and (the) latest finds suggest it could have a significant effect on liver cancer risk.”

Kennedy continues, “We’re not suggesting everyone should start drinking five cups of coffee a day though. Nevertheless, our findings are an important development given the increasing evidence of HCC globally and its poor prognosis.”

Dr. Kennedy reiterates the context of what was stated previously. That is, some doctors have a poor record of detecting and recommending appropriate treatments for HCC. The same for other forms of liver cancer.

Per medical studies, coffee may possess “antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, anticarcinogenic properties (which) may explain the lower rates of chronic liver disease and liver cancer experienced by coffee drinkers.” Antioxidants and anti-inflammatory elements are crucial to preventing and alleviating certain cancers and their symptoms.

Dr. Peter Hayes, a medical professor at the University of Edinburgh, concurs.

“We have shown coffee reduces cirrhosis and also liver cancer. Coffee has also been reported to reduce the risk of death from many other causes. (In moderation), coffee can be a wonderful, natural medicine.”

Symptoms of HCC and liver cancer

Dr. Yi-Ben Chen, a physician within the Leukemia/Bone Marrow Transplant Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, cites five main symptoms of both HCC and liver cancer:

– ‘Abdominal pain or tenderness, especially in the upper-right (region)’

– ‘Easy bruising or bleeding.’

– ‘Enlarged abdomen.’

– ‘Yellow skin or eyes (jaundice)’

– ‘Unexplainable weight loss.’

See a doctor if you should experience a combination of two or more of the abovementioned symptoms. Seek the opinion of a doctor specializing in internal medicine. Internists possess advanced knowledge of the human anatomy that many practicing physicians do not.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

5 False Ideas People Have About True Love

June 4, 2017 by Power of Positivity

It is human nature to entertain and explore thoughts of expectations, especially when it comes to love. We naturally possess certain expectations of both ourselves and others. For example, it’s reasonable to expect others to act civilly and humanely – to respect the generally-accepted “social contract.”

Then there’s the person whose expectations of others are both unrealistic and often inappropriate; these expectations are often present in intimate relationships, as well.

Tarra Bates-Duford, Ph.D. and a Marriage/Family Therapist explains:

“Invariably, unrealistic expectations are positively correlated to issues of power, manipulation, and control. (A lot) of romantic relations begin between partners who are unaware of each other’s weaknesses or insecurities.”

Part of having a responsible mindset is forgoing the notion that someone else can make you happy. “Instead of looking to others to meet our needs, we must take responsibility for our own life and make necessary changes that are in our best interest,” explains Bates-Duford.

Having realistic expectations in an intimate relationship requires that we first acknowledge and accept one another’s strengths and weaknesses. In other words, choosing to accept and love your partner for who they are who they are not; effectively dismissing the naive view that your partner should “fill the voids” of something you may lack.

Relatedly, this article focuses on five things we should never expect in a relationship. We also include some tips on dealing with these thoughts and feelings.

First, the five things that we shouldn’t expect in a relationship:

“We believe (as we often did in childhood), that if we try harder, and perform for approval, others will take notice, be impressed with both our attempts and behaviors, and will fill the void in our relationship. However, when unrealistic expectations exist, the void remains and the expectation illusion continues.” – Tarra Bates-Duford, Ph.D., MFT

1. That our partner understands our feelings

Feelings are both highly complex and open to interpretation. As such, it is unrealistic (and irrational) to expect our partner to completely understand what’s going on under the surface at all times.

If your partner has a “hunch” to what you may be experiencing, he or she will often – but not always – question you about it (e.g., “Is everything okay?”). Absent our partner’s inquisition; it is necessary to reach out and inform him or her of what’s going on.

2. That a love relationship should be void of conflict

Every relationship type is subject to conflict from time-to-time. Why expect an intimate relationship to be any different?

(Of course, any form of abuse, verbal or otherwise, is not and should not be interpreted as an acceptable form of conflict.)

Conflict with our partner can be natural and even be healthy. Reasonable conflict should be viewed as merely another form of interaction; when both individuals can come to grips with and reconcile any differences. Healthy conflict helps build admiration, rapport, and trust in a partnership.

3. For things to work, we must spend most of our time together

Preserving one’s sense of identity requires some alone time now and then. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires spending time together. How are both individual and relationship needs adequately met? Answering this question is not always easy.

Theresa DiDonato, Ph.D., is a social psychologist who specializes in different aspects of romantic relationships. She recommends five ways of addressing the “time issue”:

– Don’t expect your partner to mirror your needs. Acknowledge they may require more or less time apart.

– Ask your partner if you’re devoting enough time to the relationship. Reach a compromise.

– Integrate your partner into your social circle, which provides a new context for the relationship to develop and grow.

– Keep a date night or weekend on the calendar.

– Understand the “ebb and flow” of a relationship, e.g., a new job, added stress, etc. Continue to persevere while nourishing the relationship.

4. That relationship “bliss” of true love won’t fade

Similar to the inevitable “ebb and flow” of a relationship, our feelings of “bliss” for each other aren’t always present. Instead, the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship is just that – a phase. It’s sophomoric to expect our partner to continually bring us joy as if they can release endorphins at-will.

Infatuation becomes love, and love is not something that’s easily definable. The truth is that love gives us comfort – and our partner is no exception.

Trust in your love for your partner, and trust that they love you. That’s where the real joy resides.

5. That a good relationship doesn’t require effort

As two people become more familiar and comfortable with each other, we sometimes subconsciously think that the “work is done” so to speak. This is a very common and unrealistic expectation and one that can inflict harm if we so allow.

“Every relationship needs proper time, effort, love, affection, patience and dedication to grow and remain strong,” explains Bates-Duford, “If your relationship is going through hard times, it doesn’t mean that your love for each other is gone. It simply means that your relationship requires more effort, patience, love and commitment to deal with problems and conflicts.”

Final Thoughts on the Expectations of True Love

Unrealistic expectations may be the leading cause of deteriorating relationships. Anger, frustration, and impatience are emotional byproducts of unreasonable expectations – all are emotions that, once they peak, can contribute to a relationship’s end.

The solution, then, is to communicate effectively, honestly, and with consistency. Bringing up certain aspects of a relationship (e.g. sex, finances, personal needs) are often uncomfortable, but are nonetheless necessary for a healthy, thriving partnership.

A partnership, after all, involves two individuals – each with their own needs and desires. For the sake of your relationship, communicate these needs and desires to your partner.

If what you’re thinking and feeling is meaningful to you, remember that they’re likely just as meaningful to the person who loves you.

10 Behaviors People Display When They’re Truly In Love

June 4, 2017 by Power of Positivity

“Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love.” – Billy Graham

Did you know that neuroscientists have observed three phases of love within the human brain? The three phases– lust, attraction, and attachment – in that order, involves the release of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters. These neurochemical responses are entrenched within nearly every human brain.

What does this activity look like? Let’s compare the initial phase (“lust”) with the last phase, (“attachment”).

Brain activity throughout the “lust” phase is significantly different than the other two. Upon meeting someone you liked, did you experience feelings of intense desire? Probably. Did your palms get sweaty or did your heart beat a bit fast? This feeling is very common, as well.

Why?

Well, what we experience as “lust” is created by the brain chemical dopamine. The sweaty palms/beating heart are caused by the chemicals adrenaline and norepinephrine. All three brain chemicals course through the body, creating these sensations.

Contrast the “lust” phase with the “attachment” phase, when two people have been in love for some time. Attachment is a wonderful, beautiful thing – in many ways better than the lust phase. Instead of the brain releasing a flood of “pleasure hormones,” attachment releases oxytocin and vasopressin – the “love and well-being” hormones – the brain chemicals responsible for an enduring, fulfilling relationship.

Why does this brain stuff matter? Depending on your perspective, it may not matter much – but it maybe should.

This brain system provides science-based clues to what you and your partner are feeling. Love and relationships, as we all know by now, can be a mysterious thing.

This latest research makes it possible to understand– at least from a biological standpoint – when we’re in love and when this love is mutual. What we do with this knowledge is up to us – it can be used as a tool or discarded. There is no “right” or “wrong” way of interpreting love; it’s merely a guide.

Here are ten signs that someone truly loves their partner:

1. They create feelings of euphoria

During the early stages of romantic love, we constantly think about the object of our affection. It’s common at this juncture to obsess about the future and plan your free time around your love.

These feelings result from activity within the “primitive neural systems” of the brain; the systems responsible for feelings of euphoria, drive and reward recognition. This system “helps us form pair-bonds” in the survival area of our gray matter.

“We were built to experience the magic of love and to be driven toward another,” says neuroscientist Lucy Brown.

2. Their uniqueness captivates you

Everything about the person is perceived as novel and interesting, and their subtle peculiarities are taken in via our senses and cherished. There’s often a rush of energy, which mirrors the “lust phase,” and we experience a profound emotional craving for the person.

Most of the pleasurable symptoms experienced at this phase result from the influx of dopamine on the multiple areas of the brain.

3. Bond and commitment grows

Feelings of love or affection are necessary for the brain to bring forth any underlying desire for human connection. We humans, as mentioned countless times, are very social creatures – and the innate desire for an intimate relationship illustrates this fact.

True love has a strong social correlation. The love we feel for our partner advances the relationship from casual to intimate and suppresses the desire to act out of self-interest or selfishness.

4. They show an “urge to care”

Human beings possess a remarkable amount of empathy for people we love. These intense feelings of affection, devotion, and fondness for our loved ones are evident in the urge to care. These feelings are the result of survival, protectionist mechanisms of the brain.

While we may all have varying levels of awareness and empathy, humans – almost without exception – instinctively demonstrate their love and care for their partner in some way.

5. Adversity strengthens the relationship

For individuals primed to establish and maintain a romantic relationship, stressful situations have been shown to intensify romantic attraction. When two people remain at each other’s side regardless of circumstance, it indicates the strength of the couple’s bond and commitment to one another.

Scientists attribute this behavior to dopamine activity in the midbrain, as delaying a “reward” has been shown to produce higher levels of the chemical following the event.

6. Their priorities shift for the better

It’s common for people in love to rearrange their priorities. While we mostly associate a change in priorities as a positive thing, it can also be something less admirable. It is important to observe how a person rearranges their lifestyle. Are they making changes out of genuine desire, or as a way to mask their true identity?

Neuroscientists believe that “brain-chemical” opposites are more likely to make changes for the better. For example, an “Alpha” personality has more incentive to improve themselves if they love a person with a laid-back, nourishing type of character.

7. They push their partner to become better

Nobody likes to see a person they love not live up to their potential. Of course, this includes two people in love with one another. The odds are that if your partner is gently pushing you to become your best self, they themselves are self-motivated.

When your partner attempts to motivate you, this means the all-important reward pathways of the brain are still at work. Ironically, when your partner’s frustration about your lack of progress goes away, it’s a good idea to inquire how they’re feeling.

8. They’re comfortable in their partner’s presence

During the initial stages of a partnership, it’s common for a couple to “get out and about.” As a relationship progresses, however, staying home and enjoying each other’s company becomes much more appealing.

The brain desires novelty, but it’s also content with routine. If you enjoy each other, regardless of where you are or what you’re doing, it’s a good sign.

9. “Shortcomings” are not viewed as such

In the movie Good Will Hunting, the late, great Robin Williams plays a therapist who’s haunted by the passing of his wife. In one moving scene, Williams gives love advice to Matt Damon’s character:

“My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up…I didn’t have the heart to tell her…(She’s) been dead for two years, and that the **** I remember. Wonderful stuff you know? The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife…Ah, that’s the good stuff.”

10. They give you their devotion

There is no “sciencey” stuff in this last item. The word devotion cannot be rationalized through words, but feelings. It’s fair to make a similar argument for love.

Relatedly, the brain, while it may give us clues to what love is from a biological standpoint, may not be the only component. Love is mutual sharing of the soul – something that may never be answerable by science because there is no “answer.”

Devotion is full love and something that can only be felt – not explained.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

References:
Ghose, T. (2013, October 08). Attracted to Your Opposite? Brain Chemicals May Tell. Retrieved June 2, 2017, from http://www.livescience.com/40254-brain-chemicals-guide-attraction.html
Lewis, T. (2014, February 14). 5 Ways Love Affects the Brain. Retrieved June 2, 2017, from http://www.livescience.com/43395-ways-love-affects-the-brain.html
Live Science Staff. (2017, January 20). 13 Scientifically Proven Signs You’re in Love. Retrieved June 2, 2017, from http://www.livescience.com/33720-13-scientifically-proven-signs-love.html
Pappas, S. (2011, February 14). How Do I Love Thee? Experts Count 8 Ways. Retrieved June 2, 2017, from http://www.livescience.com/12854-love-thee-experts-count-ways.html

5 Proven Ways to Get Your Partner to Listen

June 2, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Listen–lend me your ears!

If you want your partner to start listening to you and what you have to say, listen up because this is just the tonic (without the *INSERT FAVORITE MIND-BLOWING SPIRIT HERE*!).

In communication, listening is an integral part of how you perceive others, as well as how others perceive you. In order to understand a particular situation fully, we must listen to what the other person is saying. Of course, we must assume that complete honesty is being imparted by the speaker. However, we discuss honesty in other articles.

Assuming that both parties are telling the whole truth, here are five proven ways to get your partner to really listen:

1. Know how to agree to disagree with respect.

As you and your partner are two individuals, you will not always agree on certain things in certain scenarios. You might have very similar tastes in music, furniture for the house, sexual positions, poetic devices, culinary choices, et al. However, when an instance comes to pass when there is a disagreement, it can feel uncomfortable. Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. of Psychology Today goes one step further, “If in that moment of disagreement you actually feel abandoned by your partner, it can be a very big deal.” Seltzer points out that our emotional part is and always will be controlled by our inner child, whereas the logical part is governed by our adult self. Remember that the thoughts of both of you are equally valid.

2. Listening well yourself.

When in dialogue with your partner, is your modus operandi domination of the conversation by way of non-stop talking on your part and constant interruptions when you are supposed to be silent and listening? If this sounds like you, how do you expect someone else to listen to you when you do not give the very thing you are asking for in the first place? When you really listen and not just hear your other half ready to pounce, you will find that they will respond accordingly and acknowledge your particular input in a much more receptive way. S/He who listens always glistens!

3. Say what is needed to be said and stop.

Droning on and on and on and on and on and on and Ariston gets annoying after a while. Why? This is because the speaker places a higher value on what they are saying than actually having an adult discussion about the topic in question. How would you feel being stuck in a monologue with someone who bores the life out of you? That is how your partner perceives you if you do not curtail the verbal bombardment. Keep things to a bare minimum, then wait – by giving time to your partner to digest what you said and to respond in kind.

4. Use words that do not antagonise.

Utilising calm words help immensely, e.g. “please” instead of “now”. Once you start with the hostile approach in your vocabulary, listening goes out the window and is replaced by, at the very least, a heated discussion regarding the current subject. Name-calling is strictly off-limits. The same goes for commands, as neither one of you is a Colonel in the relationship. Finger-wagging is a goner. Repeated questions, otherwise known as badgering, is another way to antagonise, so refrain from doing it unless it is an absolute necessity.

5. Do not blame.

It is rather curious that the words “blame” and “shame” rhyme. You are in fact trying to shame them into submission if you blame them, and no situation is more delicate than a romantic relationship. This typically backfires and you are met with fiery resistence, as what you are practicing is one-upmanship. Points-scoring in relationships, if left unresolved, leads to resentment towards the “aggressor”. Say how you really feel but you do not have to resort to blaming and shaming to make your point heard.

Thank you for lending us your ears. Now put these ideas into practice and watch your partner lend you theirs more readily and willingly.

References:
Mohebel-Wachtel R., “10 Ways To Get Your Partner To Listen (That Don’y Involve Yelling)”
MindBodyGreen https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20809/10-ways-to-get-your-partner-to-listen-that-dont-involve-yelling.html
Seltzer L F Ph.D., “Can You and Your Partner Agree to Disagree?” Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201009/can-you-and-your-partner-agree-disagree

10 Fascinating Facts About Sleeping You Didn’t Know

June 2, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Sleep is a pretty amazing thing. No, we aren’t talking about the heavenly feeling of finally being able to doze after a long day (though it could be considered!)

Instead, we’re talking about the physical and mental benefits of rest; along with the extraordinary “repair and refuel” work that takes place during our prized shuteye time.

Did you know that our heart and blood vessels repair themselves as you rest? That the brain “takes out the trash,” removing the massive amounts of irrelevant information we don’t need?

Did you know that ongoing insomnia increases your risk of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, kidney disease, and stroke?

Indeed, sleep can work for or against us – something we’ll discuss a bit later on.

In the meantime, here are ten fascinating facts about sleeping you may not know:

“It is common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.” – John Steinbeck

1. Your body temperature plummets

Doctors advise their pations about keeping a cool room for a reason. Yes, for most people, a cool bedroom is much more comfortable, but a chillier environment also mimics your body temps.

The largest drops in body temperature occur during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, when your body may drop a full degree or two.

Neurologists who specialize in sleep medicine put the ideal temperature range between 65-68 degrees Fahrenheit (18-20 degrees Celsius.)

2. Blood pressure drops, too

Nocturnal dipping is the scientific term used to define when blood pressure plummets at night. Blood pressure, like many other body functions, follows our circadian rhythm (day/wake cycle). Generally, our BP will drop ten to fifteen percent during the nighttime.

A normal, healthy adult’s BP will drop five to seven points during sleep.

3. Heart rate and breathing s-l-o-w-s

You’re probably starting to pick up on the pattern: everything (almost!) slows down when we’re sleeping.

Sigrid C. Veasy, MD, a neuroscientist and professor of medicine and the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Sleep and Circadian Neurobiology provides his insights: “The intestines quiet down in the nighttime, and the liver goes from trying to detoxify during wakefulness to trying to build and synthesize when you’re sleeping.”

4. Your brain is being tuned up

Ever leave your vehicle overnight with the mechanic? Well, night-night time is your brain’s mechanic. Here’s all that happens as you rest:

Your brain clears toxic byproducts
Your brain is converting short-term into long-term memories
The brain”defragments” or rids itself of the bits of info you don’t need
Your brain is restoring the necessary bits of info that wasn’t ingrained during the daytime.

5. We “deep sleep” only 20% of the time

As we discuss in the next section, we sleep in four cycles. “Deep sleep,” or the period of sleep prior to REM sleep, occurs only 20% of the time spent sleeping. “It’s also called our deepest sleep,” adds Philip Gehrman, Ph.D., and assistant professor at the University of Pennsylvania,

“It’s also caused our slow-wave sleep because our brain waves are these slow, high-amplitude waves.”

6. You sleep in 4 stages

Scientists divide sleep into four stages, with each full sleep cycle taking about 1.5 hours to complete. On average, we’ll go through roughly five rotations in 8 hours of shuteye. Here’s a snapshot of what each stage looks like:

1: Easily awakened, muscles may relax and twitch, eye movement slows.
2: Eye movements further slow, body temperature drops, lose sense of environment, brain waves slow, eye movement stops.
2-3: Blood pressure drops, muscles relax, tissue growth and repair, energy is restored, hormones are released, very slow brain waves.

REM: Brain is active and dreaming, eyes dart, muscles are paralyzed, irregular breathing and heart rate.

7. You’re paralyzed

During REM cycles, the only active muscles are the ones moving your eyes and controlling your breathing. Though the muscle paralysis phase is only 20 to 30 minutes, it keeps you from acting out your dreams – and giving your innocent bed partner a swift kick or punch (that’s not nice.)

8. You’re churning out growth hormones

During non-REM (NREM) sleep, our bodies will produce the hormones we need throughout life. Growth hormones, thyroid hormones, adrenocorticotropic hormones, follicle-stimulating hormones, and other types are released during sleep.

9. We’ll spend 122 “days” of the year sleeping

Well, if you consider the average person, who (statistics show) gets somewhere around eight hours of shut-eye per night, they’ll snooze the equivalent of 122 days out of the year.

If you think we humans nap a lot, consider cats. Our feline friends spend about two-thirds of their lives conked out!

10. Sleep can boost your IQ

Researchers from the Max Planck Institute in Munich, Germany found that “a good night’s sleep can do wonders for women’s intelligence.” In a study of 160 adults – 72 women and 88 men – scientists concluded the following:

“Sleep spindles, which are associated with higher IQ scores, were boosted when women entered dreamless sleep.”

That activity was similar for men, but only during naps that did not exceed a hundred minutes.

What does this mean? Well, for a woman, you should aim for seven to eight hours of sleep per night; for a man, you may want to consider a power nap during lunchtime.

Buddha Was Right: Scientists Acknowledge That The Quality Of Your Life Is Not In External Development Or Material Progress, But The Inner Development Of Peace And Happiness

June 2, 2017 by Power of Positivity

“While you may not remember life as a toddler, you most likely believe that your selfhood then – your essential being – was intrinsically the same as it is today. …Buddhists, though, suggest that this is just an illusion – a philosophy that’s increasingly supported by scientific research.” – Olivia Goldhill

In the movie The Notebook, Ryan Gosling’s Character (Noah) and Rachel McAdam’s (Allie) have a love relationship that’s in flux for most of the film. When the dust settles, Noah and Allie realize they’re meant for each other and fall deeply in love.

At the movie’s end, Allie suffers from dementia and Noah has a cardiac episode. When the doctor warns Noah about Allie’s deteriorating condition, Noah says “Well, doc, you know what they say. ‘Science only goes so far, then comes God.”

The point of the above example isn’t to argue the compatibility or incompatibility of God and science but to acknowledge that a rift between science and religion exists.

Enter Buddhism.

Buddhism, of course, is a set of principles based upon the teachings of Siddhartha Gautama – a flesh-and-blood human being who was ultimately deemed the “enlightened one” by his followers. The name Buddha, in fact, means “enlightened one.”

Buddha’s main teachings were not religious in context. These set of teachings, collectively referred to as Dharma (“protection”), taught that “the quality of life depends not upon external development or material progress, but upon the inner development of peace and happiness.”

In fairness, according to the record, Buddha mentioned certain metaphysical aspects in his teachings. However, he did not emphasize the inclusion of his experiences to his followers. Buddha reportedly said, “Three things cannot be hidden: The Sun; The Moon; The Truth.”

What did Buddha say of “Truth”? “Make an island of yourself; make yourself your refuge; there is no other refuge. Make truth your island and your refuge; there is no other refuge.”

Mankind attempted to take Buddha’s teachings and convert them into religion– a development that can be seen in the various secular and non-secular entities that bear Buddha’s name.

Buddhism and Science

“As an evolutionary biologist, I have personally encountered (scientific illiteracy), notably when lecturing in the Bible Belt. At the same time, I’ve been struck by how scientifically knowledgeable the audiences are when I lecture in Asian countries, particularly those strongly influenced by Buddhism.”

– David P. Barash, Ph.D.

Ouch. Our apologies to those in the “Bible Belt” of the United States. (Don’t shoot the messenger, please!)

We’ll focus on Dr. Barash’s second sentence.

Do Buddha’s teachings align with those of science? Let’s take a closer look.

1. Impartial investigation of the Universe and Environment

Scientists are required to separate observations, facts, and evidence from any potential influence. To accomplish this, scientists use the scientific method – using observation, measurement, and experimentation; formulating, testing, and – if necessary – modifying the original hypotheses.

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14^th Dalai Lama: “Suppose that something is definitely proven through scientific investigation, that a certain hypothesis or a certain fact emerges as a result of (investigation) … Furthermore, that (this) fact is incompatible with (Buddhism). There is no doubt we must accept the result of the scientific research.”

To demonstrate Buddhism’s emphasis on respecting scientific inquiry, here’s an interesting statistic: 81% of Buddhists believe that “evolution is the best explanation for the origin of human life.” The highest of all “religious” groups. (About 98% of scientists agree with the statement.)

2. Neuroscience

“Buddhists argue that nothing is constant, everything changes through time, you have a constantly changing stream of consciousness … from a neuroscience perspective, the brain and body is constantly in flux … (nothing corresponds) to the sense that there’s an unchanging self,” says Dr. Evan Thompson.

A paper, published in the journal Trends in Cognitive Sciences, conjoins the Buddhist belief that our “in flux ‘self’” results in physical changes within the brain. Indeed, neuroscientists have uncovered evidence that correlates with this belief.

Perhaps the most obvious relationship between neuroscience and Buddha’s teachings is that of meditation and mindfulness, and their collective impact on the brain.

3. Meditation/Mindfulness

In the Dhammapada, Buddha says, “All experiences are preceded by the mind, having mind as their master, created by the mind.”

Whereas most religious dogma talks of “surrendering” or relying on a divine being, Buddhism teaches mindfulness and meditation as the potential answer to one’s questions. Additionally, for thousands of years, Buddhism has taught mindfulness to relieve both physical and mental ailments.

The University of Massachusetts (UM) Center for Mindfulness created the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program teaches individuals “how to use their innate resources and abilities to respond more effectively to stress, pain, and illness.” On UM’s website, researchers state:

“One reason MBSR proved viable in mainstream clinical settings is that the Dharma is in essence universal. Mindfulness, often being spoken of as “the heart of Buddhist meditation,” and being primary about the systematic training and refinement of attention and awareness, compassion and wisdom, is a manifestation of its universal applicability.”

Summing it all up

Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the most respected Buddhist practitioners in the world, says:

“The practice of mindfulness and concentration always brings insight. It can help both Buddhists and scientists. Insights transmitted by realized practitioners like the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas can be a source of inspiration and support for both Buddhist practitioners and scientists, and scientific tests can help Buddhist practitioners understand better and have more confidence in the insight they receive from their ancestral teachers.

It is our belief that in this 21st Century, Buddhism and science can go hand in hand to promote more insight for us all and bring more liberation, reducing discrimination, separation, fear, anger, and despair in the world.”

5 Habits That Turn Off Negative Thinking

June 2, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Negative thinking serve absolutely no purpose. Zero. None. Not-a-one. Know what else? Negative thinking has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. Toxic thoughts don’t define your character, and they can’t determine your destiny. We determine the power of each negative thought. Unfortunately, we often grant negative thoughts too much influence – and this is what causes damage.

The Buddha once said: “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.”

What do you think about that thought? Notice the word unguarded in Buddha’s teaching. As he is with most things pertaining to the mind, Buddha is once again supremely wise. Sometimes negative thoughts have a tendency to hang around – this is when cognitive reframing (i.e. ‘cognitive restructuring’) is essential.

Dr. Alice Boyes, a former clinical psychologist and author of The Anxiety Toolkit, describes cognitive restructuring as “a core part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT),” which Dr. Boyes says “is one of the most effective psychological treatments.”

No, you don’t need to participate in CBT to learn cognitive restructuring. In fact, in this article, we’re going to teach some fundamentals of cognitive restructuring. While you may not become an expert on the technique, you’ll walk away informed and – more importantly – empowered.

Here are 5 ways to reframe negative thoughts:

1. Observe the negative thought.

Take a seat in the far back of your mind and simply observe the negative thought. (Think about how you’d watch a bird flutter about on a rooftop.)

Negative thoughts are generally a product of cognitive distortions, or irrational thought patterns, something recognized by psychologists and psychiatrists the world over. You don’t require psychotherapy or medication – you only need to observe a thought, and then watch it dissipate.

2. Question any ruminations.

Ruminations are patterns of overthinking, e.g., “I have this problem, which I can solve if I just keep thinking about it.” Unless you’re actively engaging the frontal lobe of your brain – that is, attempting to solve a problem – most ruminations are pointless and filled with negative thinking.

The question then becomes “How do I reframe these thoughts?”

Here is a suggested course of action:

(a) Create two columns on a sheet of paper. Label the first column “Thought” and the second column “Solution.” (b) When the rumination appears, write down the time. Write anything of use in the “solution” column. (c) At the end of the day/week/month, count the number of times the thought appeared and any insights. Is there anything of value? If not, re-read #1.

3. Determine the evidence

Another way of reframing your thoughts is to evaluate the evidence behind them.

For example, if you’re always thinking “I never have enough money,” it may be helpful to assess the evidence and come to a solution (if needed).

Once again, you’ll create two columns. In Column (A) write any supporting proof that you “never have enough money,” e.g. bank account balance, always asking for money, etc. In Column (B) write any objective evidence demonstrating the contrary, e.g. having shelter, food, clothing, and so on.

What information is conveyed through this exercise? Can you say with 100 percent honesty that you “never have enough money”? If so, what’s the next course of action? Do you create a budget and limit your spending?

4. Practice mindfulness.

What better place to mention mindfulness than after talking about money – a near-universal stressor?

Christopher Bergland, a three-time champion of the Triple Ironman triathlon and scientist, explains mindfulness as “much more basic than most people realize.”

Bergland breaks down his approach to mindfulness in three steps: “Stop. Breathe. Think about your thinking. Anyone can use this simple mindfulness technique throughout the day to stay calm, focused, optimistic and kind.”

Structured mindfulness meditation practices and techniques, such as Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) exist for those people seeking more formal training.

5. Understand impermanence and neutrality

We touched on this during the introduction, but it’s worth repeating: negative thoughts are fleeting and temporary; without any real power of their own.

No matter when negative thinking crosses your mind, it is crucial to understand these concepts. Be gentle with yourself. In fact, you can even create and recite a maxim, for example, “This is a negative thought. I’ll observe but not engage, as it will quickly flee.”

One terrific way to demonstrate the powerlessness of a negative thought is to distract yourself. Do something that will occupy your mind, so there’s no room for the negative thoughts.

We wish you peace, happiness, self-love and self-compassion.

“We act how we think and feel. When we remove the negative thought, with it goes the drama and pain.” – Anon

References:
Bergland, C. (2013, March 31). Mindfulness Made Simple. Retrieved May 29, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201303/mindfulness-made-simple
Boyes, A., Ph.D. (2013, January 21). Cognitive Restructuring. Retrieved May 29, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/cognitive-restructuring
Jain, R., M.A.P.P., A Mindful Minute: How to Observe a Train of Anxious Thoughts (Illustrated). Retrieved May 29, 2017, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2015/02/a-mindful-minute-how-to-observe-a-train-of-anxious-thoughts-illustrated/
Wikipedia. Cognitive distortion. Retrieved May 29, 2017, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/252764597816971535/

10 Foods To Avoid That Are Actually Labeled “Healthy”

June 2, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Advertising can be a deceptive business, especially in the health food industry. For years, companies have churned out ineffective “healthy” products while collecting billions of dollars in revenue and profit.

When scientists try to spread the truth about these foods to avoid, their voices were suppressed by more and more funding for advertising and marketing campaigns (funding by the health food companies). Unfortunately, it’s a vicious cycle.

Quite simply, scientists could not get information out fast enough to keep up with lies spread through false advertising, ambiguous food labeling, and the use of deceitful buzzwords like “sugar-free,” “all-natural,” and so forth. The good news is, with enough research, you can take control of your health and make your own healthy food choices.

Here are 10 health foods to avoid:

1. Microwave Popcorn

In the day, workers making popcorn developed a strange disease that was simply called “popcorn lung.” The culprit? A chemical by the name of Diacetyl.

As with most public health hazards, word eventually got out to the public. Companies responded by eliminating diacetyl; only to replace it with other additives with the same effects as diacetyl: dry cough, shortness of breath, wheezing, phlegm production, fatigue, drowsiness, headache, aches, fever, and nausea.

The better option? Make your own organic popcorn with real butter or coconut oil. No, it isn’t necessarily the heathiest snack option, but it’s definitely a healthier version of this snack.

2. Margarine

Margarine flew off the shelves as a supposed healthier alternative to butter. The product was sold based on the notion that it contained less saturated fats than butter. The problem: margarine replaced saturated fats with trans fats.

Trans fats faced an immediate backlash from health professionals – and eventually garnered plenty of attention within the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

In the end, companies once again “substituted” fats. Today, most margarine contains highly processed fats.

3. Certain vegetable oils

Like margarine, vegetable oils like canola oil cause an inflammatory response and are unhealthy by nearly every measure. The ingredients and processing methods of vegetable oils have been linked to medical conditions ranging from arteriosclerosis to vision problems.

A better option is extra virgin olive oil or coconut oil.

4. ‘Atlantic’ Salmon

The word ‘Atlantic,’ when preceding the word ‘Salmon,’ indicates that the fish was farmed. In many cases, farmed fish are treated with pesticides – including those of the banned variety. Farmed salmon (and other farmed fish) have been found to increase inflammation, contain pollutants, and increase the risk of several diseases.

A healthier alternative is wild-caught salmon, Atlantic mackerel, or Pacific sardines.

5. Table salt

Many of us enjoy a few light sprinkles of table salt to add some seasoning to a dish. But if we dig a bit deeper, we discover a correlation exists between table salt and hypertension (high blood pressure). A couple sprinkles here or there likely isn’t anything to be overly concerned with. You may just want to carefully monitor how much salt you’re putting on your food.

Healthier alternatives to table salt include Celtic sea salt and Himalayan salt.

6. Factory-farmed meat

Animals raised for meat in the U.S. – and other developed, high-population countries – are rarely grass-fed. Quite the opposite. Most of these animals are packed together in cages or stalls; collectively injected with millions of pounds of antibiotics, hormones, and other chemicals.

Consider this statistic: nearly half of all meat sampled in a study contained staph bacteria, including of the highly-resistant and potentially harmful variety.

7. Artificial Sweeteners

When introduced, diet sodas were seen as a Godsend for those who loved soda but hated all the added sugar. Something had to be added to give the product its sweetness, right?

Six things were added: aspartame, acesulfame, neotame, saccharin, stevia, and sucralose – “artificial sweeteners” for short.

Artificial sweeteners may trigger diabetes, disrupt gut flora, and brain tumors, breast cancer, seizures, and weight gain.

8. Seitan

For vegans, this one may hurt a bit. On the surface, seitan appears to be a terrific meat replacement. However, there are two properties of seitan that aren’t particularly healthy, (1) it consists almost entirely of gluten and (2) the product’s excessive sodium levels (a ½ cup contains nearly 580 milligrams).

A better option is tempeh, which also has plenty of probiotics.

9. Shrimp

Shrimp is beloved by millions around the globe. In many places, the seafood is raised the right way and sold as a natural, whole product. That’s just not the case for the U.S. and perhaps some other developed countries, as well.

Around 90 percent of U.S. shrimp purchased by consumers is imported and farmed, and subjected to pesticide treatments. Shrimp farm pond waters are treated with pesticides; some of which have been known to produce symptoms linked to Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and other cognitive impairments.

10. Fruit juice

Fruit juice seems like a very healthy beverage – that is until you read the label.

Usually, the actual fruit contained within the juice is around 5 to 10 percent. Fruit juice is also saturated with sugar, causing glucose levels to spike. Consuming too much fruit juice is also potentially unhealthy for the pancreas.

Fruit juice can be purchased naturally. It’s best to look for fruit that has undergone “pressing” – the extraction of juice from the whole fruit.

References:

Axe, J. M.D. (2017). 21 Health Foods You Should Never Eat (No Matter What!). Retrieved May 6, 2017, from https://draxe.com/health-foods-you-should-never-eat/
Strawbridge, H. (2016, December 12). Artificial sweeteners: sugar-free, but at what cost? Retrieved May 6, 2017, from http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/artificial-sweeteners-sugar-free-but-at-what-cost-201207165030

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