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6 Communication Mistakes That Hurt A Relationship

April 26, 2016 by Sarah Barkley

Conflict is one reason that relationships break up, and solving conflict is all about avoiding the communication mistakes that can hurt the bond you have built with your partner.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences found ‘The most satisfied couples were those who did not avoid discussion of relationship problems and who rated their partners high in EI [Emotional Intelligence].’ Emotional Intelligence is your and your partner’s individual ability to detect someone’s emotional state based on verbal and non-verbal cues.

When your partner says, ‘You seem angry,’ they pick up on your facial expression, body language, and the fact that you are giving them the silent treatment. We do this often in a relationship, but we rarely think about it as a skill. Women tend to have higher Emotional Intelligence than men do, and they also perform more of the ’emotional work’ of the relationship.

Emotional work is the conversation and actions that people undertake to maintain a state of dynamic harmony in their lives. Doing ’emotional work’ means checking in with your partner’s emotions, asking how you can help them feel better, drawing them into a discussion about feelings, or checking their level of anxiety (fear), anger, or sadness.

Let’s examine some of the most popular communication mistakes that may be hurting your relationship and how to correct any damage that’s been done so far.

Don’t Let These 6 Communication Mistakes Hurt Your Relationship

1. Shutting down

Avoiding talking, giving someone the silent treatment, turning your back to them, or telling them that you don’t want to talk is a way of refusing to solve the problem. It’s okay to let yourself cool off if you are experiencing emotions like anger and you are worried that you won’t say anything kind.

When your anger, fear, or sadness get the most of you, you are more likely to hurt your partner’s feelings in communication, which solves nothing. Instead of shutting down all communication, let your partner know that you’d like some time to cool down or think about things before continuing the conversation.

2. Taking things personally in the relationship

This one is tough for anyone who does not have a strong sense of self-love. When your partner says they hate it when you cook cabbage, it has nothing to do with your effort to cook them a healthy meal, so don’t take it personally.

Everyone has their preferences, and they have a right to ask you to do things their way. However, so do you. You have every right to make your home stinky with cabbage, whether or not it’s your favorite vegetable.

So whose rights are more important? Neither of yours. That’s where the divine art of compromise comes in. When you feel hurt by your partner’s words, look inside rather than blaming them for hurting you. Words can hurt, but only if you let them break you.

3. Making assumptions

Making assumptions is one way that people take things personally. When your partner says, ‘Oh for the love of Pete!’ as soon as they come home from work, we can make all sorts of assumptions. Did I do something wrong?

Again, let’s avoid unnecessary hurt feelings and ask your partner what’s wrong or if you can do anything to help. Maybe they had a frustrating day and just tripped over their shoelaces. You’ll never know unless you ask.

This quote by don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, says all you need to know about making assumptions and taking things personally:

‘The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s the only true for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions and take our story very personally. Then we blame others and react by sending emotional poison with our words. Making assumptions and taking them personally creates a lot of emotional poison, creating a whole big drama for nothing.’ Your relationship should be a drama-free zone.

4. Filtering

Filtering is a type of mind game that you play with yourself where you only hear the words that you want to hear, be they positive or negative. Make sure you are not tainting your partner’s meaning with your desires.

5. Judging

You’ve already made up your mind that what your partner said was bad/good. You made a judgment call as soon as they began. That’s unfair, and you wouldn’t want them to do that to you. Wait, give them the benefit of the doubt, and suspend judgment indefinitely.

6. Waiting for your turn to talk instead of listening

You cannot listen clearly if you are rehearsing what you want to say in your head while your partner is talking. Active listening is a gift that you give your partner. Even if it pains you to keep listening about what the cat did today, listen like your life depended on it.

Turn your body and head toward your partner. Make good eye contact, mirror their facial expressions (match their excited face by raising your eyebrows with interest, etc.), ask questions after they are done talking, and make sure that you understood them perfectly, sum up what you heard them say. NOW, it’s your turn to talk.

15 Other Relationship Mistakes Every Couple Should Avoid

Communication issues aren’t the only relationship mistakes couples make. Relationships aren’t easy as they take work and constant learning. If you know the common mistakes, you can recognize them and address the issues.

1. Not Being Appreciative of the Little Things

The little things in life mean more than anything else, but it’s easy to ignore or become accustomed to them. Don’t waste your time and energy obsessing over the big things because the minor aspects can add to so much more.

Remember that only appreciating big acts of romance will lead to disappointment. You may go a while without anything extravagant occurring, and that’s okay, as long as you embrace the little things while you wait.

Improve your situation by saying thank you when your partner does something for you. Make a conscious effort to notice acts of kindness and consideration.

2. Not Having Fun Together

A healthy romance requires having fun together and making time for play. You must be friends with your partner, and you must take time to enjoy each other’s company. The more you have fun together, the happier you’ll be.

3. Relying on Your Partner for Happiness

It isn’t your partner’s job to make you happy, so don’t rely on them for it. Your partner should be there to learn and share life with you, but it’s up to you to find happiness. Learn to make yourself happy, and you’ll notice a drastic improvement in your romance.

4. Not Setting or Enforcing Boundaries

One problem is not having boundaries in your relationship. Tell your partner how you want them to treat you and things that make you uncomfortable. Likewise, your partner must have the opportunity to set boundaries, too.

Boundaries help keep the peace in your romance and encourage respect. Once you set them, make sure you both enforce them. If you let the boundaries slip, it can create tension and a lack of trust.

5. Not Prioritizing Your Partner

When you think about the essential things in your life, your partner should rank near the top of your list. You don’t have to decide who or what is most important to you, so long as your lover is amongst the ranks. Not prioritizing them is a mistake because it shows you aren’t thinking about where they fit into your goals.

6. Losing Affection and Romance

Humans thrive on human contact, and it’s essential to a healthy romance. When you experience contact with your partner, your brain releases hormones that encourage loving feelings.

If this is a problem for you, create some new habits. Kiss goodbye, hug whenever one of you gets home, and hold hands whenever you can. These habits are just starting points for reintroducing affection and romance.

It’s easy to become complacent and stop making an effort for affection. However, it’s a huge mistake that could interfere with your relationship. Make a change soon so that you can refocus and embrace your romance.

7. Not Making an Effort

Relationships aren’t always easy, and you must make an effort if you want it to work. You won’t always agree with your partner on things, and you’ll sometimes have arguments. Additionally, you’ll sometimes have to do activities you don’t want to do.

If you promised your partner you’d go somewhere with them, make an effort to go. Likewise, do things that would surprise them and bring joy to their day, even if it takes a little work. These little things mean so much and can make or break your romance.

Another way you can make an effort is by refraining from criticism. Find other ways to express your feelings without making your partner feel bad. You can discuss things without hurting their feelings, but it’s all about making an effort.

8. Making Promises You Can’t or Won’t Keep

Making unrealistic promises is a mistake. You’ll eventually break those promises, damaging the trust you’ve built. Stop making these promises, and avoid blanket statements you can’t guarantee.

Don’t promise your partner that you’ll make everything better when you don’t know if it’s possible. Instead, tell them that you can try your best to overcome issues together.

Similarly, don’t promise to hurt your partner because you may mistakenly say the wrong thing. Hurting their feelings can make them think you don’t keep your promises if you had made the promise. Unless you’re sure you can fulfill it, don’t make a promise.

9. Believing Things Will Be Perfect

Many people expect their relationship to be perfect, but it’ll never happen. Nothing is ideal in life, and you can’t expect perfection from your partner. Please don’t get mad or frustrated when things don’t go the way you’d hoped because it’s all a part of life.

Look for progress instead of perfection, and communicate with your partner when you have a problem with something. Holding your significant other to an unrealistically high expectation can cause intense issues.

10. Lacking Independence

Many people get lost in their relationships, forgetting who they are. You both must remain independent, even as you become closer. If you don’t do things separately, it causes co-dependency.

If you’re co-dependent, you won’t know what to do if your partnership ends suddenly. It can also make you feel trapped and like you don’t have any other options. Some signs of co-dependency include not being able to run errands alone or consulting your partner for even minor decisions.

Do things without your partner, including spending time with friends and working on your hobbies. Don’t abandon your personal goals, either. You both must have a life outside of each other.

Sometimes you must learn to do things alone. If that’s the case for you, take some online classes, sign up for events, and do other things to foster your independence.

Before you know it, you’ll see the benefits of spending time away from your partner. It’ll make your relationship better and remind you of who you are as an individual.

11. Sacrificing Positive Parts of Your Life

Life changes when you find a new partner, but you shouldn’t sacrifice positive areas. Don’t sacrifice who you are and what you want in life. Additionally, don’t neglect your friendships and relationships with family.

Instead, get to know yourself and determine what you like. Figuring out who you are can help you determine things you aren’t willing to compromise. The right person will respect and encourage these things, so don’t settle into a romance with someone who won’t.

12. Expecting Your Partner to Be Everything You Need

You can’t expect your partner to be the only person to fulfill all of your needs. A healthy relationship requires recognizing that you must also take care of yourself.

Your partner can’t be your best friend, roommate, support system, lover, and assistant. If you expect this from your partner, it is hard to keep the passion alive. It zaps your partner’s energy and makes them feel like they never do enough.

Instead of expecting so much of your partner, build a community of people. These people should bring joy to your life while fulfilling needs and taking some pressure away from your partner. When you find a support system, you’ll notice a significant improvement.

13. Obsessively Search For Them and People They Know on Social Media

Social media stalking seems harmless, but it can interfere with your relationship. Looking at pictures of their exes or looking up every mistake they’ve made can cause you to make false assumptions. It can change the way you look at them and cause resentment.

Additionally, it can disrupt new romances because you form ideas without getting to know them well enough. It leaves little to talk about, or you’ll have to pretend to be surprised or curious about things you already know. Obsessively searching online can also make you feel insecure or unworthy.

It’s okay to do a quick search to ensure they’re not a criminal, but don’t go beyond that. Avoid the temptation to scroll their social media and look at the profiles of everyone they know. If you already scrolled, remind yourself that you’re only viewing the online version and not the genuine person.

14. Creating Unrealistic Expectations

If you try too hard to impress your partner, it creates unrealistic expectations. These expectations lead to disappointment because you make a false pretense. Be yourself right from the start, and your partner will know what to expect.

Then, you’ll know if they are into you before getting in too deep. It’s okay to be your best self, but don’t pretend to like things you don’t. Additionally, don’t pretend to be able to do more than you really can regularly.

If things go further, your partner will find out anyway. By being yourself, you can quickly get into a comfortable rhythm, allowing you to better know one another. You can go the extra mile sometimes and do something special, but don’t create the idea that it’s a typical occurrence.

15. Trying to Control or Change the Other Person

If you have control issues, it can interfere with having a healthy relationship. No one wants someone to tell them what to do every second of the day. Likewise, they don’t want someone giving them ultimatums.

Allow your partner to be themselves and make their own decisions. Don’t interfere, or you’ll disrupt their feeling of individuality.

Final Thoughts on Building a Stronger Relationship

If you want your relationship to last, it’s essential to identify communication mistakes and other issues. When you recognize the problems, you can address them and improve the situation.

Healthy relationships require effort, but It’s worth it when you’ve found the right person. Use this information to help you make beneficial changes in your romance.

7 Signs of Suppressed Emotions

April 25, 2016 by Power of Positivity

Suppressing emotions may be a socially-approved way to show you are not a ‘cry baby,’ but it may cause these 7 negative things to happen that can affect your mental and physical health.

Human beings share the capacity for emotion, which enhances our ability to relate to one another on a deep level. Expressing emotions in a socially healthy way helps you to connect to others, establish relationships, work cooperatively, and be a courteous, productive, and positive member of your social network.

Let’s look at 7 negative things that happen to you when you suppress emotions, as well as some ways to express them in positive ways.

7 Signs of Suppressed Emotions

1. Losing interest in activities that were once fun

Suppressing the emotions of sadness, anger or fear is unfortunately a symptom of depression. People who feel pressure to hide how they feel are like an appliance that has had its cord cut. They have no connection to the outlet, so they can’t receive energy and use it to accomplish a task.

In a research study of men compared to women, scientists looked at suppressed emotions with regard to depression, ‘Men reported suppressing emotions more than women and women reported more depressive symptoms. However, suppression was only related to depression in men and not women.’

Does emotional expression prevent depression? Researchers are unsure of all of the factors related to depression, but this could be one of them. Women express their emotions and have the freedom to discuss feelings whereas men feel societal pressure to hide emotional displays.

2. Trouble sleeping

Sleep disturbances like insomnia, tossing and turning, and restless dreams can be a sign of suppressed emotions. Your brain is trying to work out the details of the psychological problem that you are dealing with, but you are forcing it to do so without your help.

While you sleep, memories are being processed and stored. But when you aren’t coping with your emotions, your brain works on handling the emotion without you at night. It’s as if your brain says ‘Ok we are sad about this memory, but we’ve decided not to show sadness, so where can I stuff it where it won’t be seen?’

3. Conflict in your relationship

When your significant other can’t tell if you’re happy, sad, angry, or afraid, it can keep them on edge. They may respond with anger at your lack of emotion.

A healthy relationship requires the expression of the emotions of love, care, concern. In our article 7 Things You Deserve In A Relationship you may recall that unconditional love is something you should be able to expect in a relationship.

A study in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that ‘Suppressing emotions was associated with emotional costs for the partner discussing his or her sacrifice.’ This means that not being able to talk about emotions that came up when one partner made a sacrifice in the relationship resulted in poor emotional health for the one who made the adjustment.

The researchers also found that increases in emotional suppression connected with decreases in emotional well-being and relationship quality as reported by both partners. The emotional suppression was also associated with thoughts about breaking up with a romantic partner.

4. Lack of commitment in the workplace

Hopefully, your manager allows you to express your emotions about changes that impact you at work, otherwise, you may experience significant workplace unhappiness. When workers suppress emotions at work, they feel less committed to the work, have elevated stress levels, higher heart rates, higher levels of anxiety, and experience overall less psychological well-being than workers who have opportunities to vent frustrations.

5. You feel tired a lot

Suppressing emotions takes up mental energy, so you may find yourself tired more often than usual. Another common sign of suppressed emotions is mental fatigue, brain fog, or distracted thinking.

If you’re having frequent ‘brain farts,’ then check yourself for suppressed emotions. Ask yourself if you may have any repressed anger, fear or sadness that you haven’t been dealing with.

Try writing down your feelings, talking to a trusted friend about it, or seeking a licensed counselor to work through it. You can find counselors online, through text crisis lines and in person. There are even counseling apps that you can use to track your emotions.

6. You feel even more powerful emotions

Bottling up emotions can lead you to feel even stronger emotions. For example, if you are repressing sadness and another sad event happens, your response is likely to be stronger than it would have been without the additional hidden emotion.

7. Fewer close friendships

Suppressing emotions by changing facial expressions and body language is a type of deception. Perceptive people and empaths can pick up on something being wrong when others are hiding emotional responses. This can keep people from connecting with you on a personal level.

When we become aware of deception in others, like hidden emotions, we become fearful of other things that the person could be hiding from us. People who suppress emotions are unlikely.

5 Habits of Bitter People (and How to Avoid Having Them)

April 25, 2016 by Power of Positivity

We all know bitter people and we think ‘I hope I never get like that,’ but do you know how to avoid becoming a bitter person?

Bitterness can have serious consequences for your life. It drives others away, puts a barrier around your heart that keeps love out, and it gives you a negative perspective that makes you think that everyone is out to get you.

It’s important to avoid ending up grouchy, grumpy, unhappy, and angry in our lives, which makes it important to identify these habits so that we can avoid them…

5 Habits of Bitter People You Need to Avoid

A habit is a behavior that you engage in regularly, often without any conscious awareness of it. You are so used to acting this way that you do it automatically, without thinking. And that’s the problem.

Habits that we are not aware of are usually negative. We suppress our feelings about our behavior because we disapprove of our actions on some level.

We know that acting bitter is not pleasant to others. However, complaining about past hurts is normal to a certain extent. We remember the things from our past that caused us pain and we continue to dwell on the past.

A personality assessment tool called the Reminiscence Functions Scale was developed to look at how people recall their past experiences. One of the factors that was identified is called Bitterness Revival. Bitterness Revival is when people spend time thinking about memories of old injustices and bad times, rehashing lost opportunities.

You might think that bitterness revival is something that older people would engage in more often, but research on this has shown that young adults are more likely to spend time thinking about bitter memories. Women also tend to score higher on bitterness than men do.

1. Being jaded

Being jaded means not caring. When you just don’t care about others it makes you a sociopath. The funny thing about bitter people is that they clearly DO care about what happens to THEM, just not what happens to those who have hurt them.

Unfortunately, a bitter person also tends to generalize their anger toward others who didn’t hurt them yet. The bitter person assumes that people are out to get them. For example, a man who has been through two previous divorces now sees all women as only wanting to hurt him. This distorted, jaded worldview now closes off the bitter person from being able to connect in a meaningful way with someone else. It also makes the bitter person more likely to lash out at others for their potential to cause them pain.

Remember that what you see is a reflection of you in some form. There is always work to be done on the inside to change the outside, and is certainly something to care about if you wish to live a sweet, not bitter, life…

2. Being jealous

Jealousy, envy, wishing for what you don’t have, whatever you want to call it, it’s unkind to others. You are basically saying ‘I hate that you have that because I want it.’ Jealousy is childish and it’s a habit of bitter people that you need to avoid.

If you want something someone else has, you can be happy for them having it, while still wanting it for yourself. Now take action to get whatever it is that you want and avoid becoming a bitter person.

3. Holding a grudge

Forgive and forget is not a habit of bitter people. Instead, they keep a tally of all the things that you have done wrong and they will present you with a list of all the things that you have said or did when you have your next big argument.

Don’t play this childish game either. When someone does something that you dislike, try to tell them right away that you prefer being treated differently next time. Otherwise, you come across as a bitter nag who can’t speak his mind.

4. They act out in attention-seeking ways

Someone who is bitter is likely to create a big scene, act melodramatic, and all but beg you to show them that they are the most important person in the world to you. No one needs this much drama. Please avoid this habit of bitter people.

If you feel a need for attention, work silently and let your results make the noise. You will be seen and heard, we can almost guarantee it.

5. Focusing only on the negative

Be honest with yourself; if someone you loved offered you a date at the opera, would you be excited and open to a new experience or would you tell them every reason you couldn’t, or didn’t want, to go?

Focusing on the negative is limiting you to a tiny set of experiences that you could otherwise be having.

Your life could be fuller right now if you were more open and positive about new experiences, change, setbacks, etc. Don’t let yourself become a bitter person and avoid this bad habit.

It’s the attitude, words and actions that you take daily that make up a personality trait like bitterness and choosing different habits is within your power to control.

These Things Happen to Your Brain When You Eat A Pickle Every Day, According to Science

April 24, 2016 by Power of Positivity

It turns out that eating fermented foods such as sauerkraut, pickles, and yogurt may help ease certain types of anxiety. Also, they might decrease general neuroticism. Nutritionists realized this after scientists and other mental health experts discovered that the stomach may influence mental health.

In one study of 700 students at the College of William and Mary, those that ate higher levels of fermented foods had fewer social anxiety symptoms. One professor explained it this way:

“It is likely that the probiotics in the fermented foods are favorable changing the environment in the guy, and changes in the gut, in turn, influence social anxiety.”

Pickles and the Gut-Brain Connection

The biological connection between the gut and brain has been known for a while. In relation to anxiety, scientists believe that good bacteria in fermented foods increase levels of a chemical called GABA. GABA is a neurotransmitter that has an anti-anxiety effect on the body. In other words, good bacteria that accumulate in the gut by eating fermented food may have a direct anti-anxiety, sedative effect.

It is worth noting that the gut’s ecosystem varies from person to person, so it is difficult to predict the necessary amount of pickles or other fermented food to achieve a sedative effect. On the same token, it is difficult to predict the degree of “anti-anxiety” effects by eating such foods.

While human studies linking fermentation and the brain are few in number, scientists have studied such an effect on animals. Previous studies have discovered a link between probiotics and depression or anxiety. In such studies, manipulation of fermented food intake had a direct impact on both personality and social anxiety.

According to Dr. Matthew Hilimire, a professor of Psychology at William and Mary, say this:

“Giving these animals these probiotics increased GABA, so it’s almost like giving them these drugs but it’s their own bodies producing GABA. So your own body is increasing this neurotransmitter that reduces anxiety.”

Scientists at the University also note the link between GABA levels in the brain and decreased inflammation of the gut. On this end, scientists discovered the lessening of adverse gut reactions – including gut leak and inflammation – and the consumption of fermented foods.

These results suggest that consumption of fermented foods that contain probiotics may serve as a low-risk intervention for reducing social anxiety. – US National Library of Medicine

Findings of the Study

The study’s researchers explain this gut/brain connection further:

“The fermented foods so often included in traditional dietary practices have the potential to influence brain health by virtue of the microbial action that has been applied to the food or beverage, and by the ways in which the fermented food or beverage directly influences our own microbiota…this could manifest behaviorally…”

Fascinatingly, the number of neurons in our gut is roughly the same number of neurons located in our spinal cord. There is actually a term for this neuronal arrangement in the gut, the enteric nervous system. Experts also call this our “second brain.”

Because of these neuronal firings, our gut is capable of reacting without communicating with our brain. In fact, some believe that cravings for certain foods may not come from the brain at all. Instead, they argue, they come from the gut.

Our microbiome, the community of bacteria that resides in our gut, changes according to our age, genetic code, stress levels, and where we live. Furthermore, this microbiome is capable of communicating with our Central Nervous System (CNS) and influencing our behavioral traits.

In the relationship between probiotics, fermented foods, and behavioral changes, other studies demonstrate a link between the gut/brain communication network and other changes in behavior.

In one study, participants were split into two groups. One cohort took prebiotics every day and one that took a placebo. After just three weeks, the prebiotic group had lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Besides that, they paid less attention to negative information and more attention to positive information when tested.

Final Thoughts on Eating Pickles Every Day

The bottom line is that consuming fermented foods – pickles, sauerkraut, yogurt, etc. – can initiate a gut reaction. In turn, that may relieve stress and anxiety in the brain. Also, we know that the gut does indeed have a “mind of its own,” and one that can influence our thoughts and behaviors. If we’re willing to eat healthy, exercise, and do the advantageous things necessary to promote gut health. Indeed, we may just find we’re better off in terms of our mental health as well.

4 Messages From The Heart You Should Never Ignore

April 24, 2016 by Power of Positivity

Your heart is connected to something larger than your body. You may call it God, universe, spirit, gut, intuition, higher self, or something other than these names. Your heart will let you know when something is not right. It will also speak to you through messages, inklings, and signs when it is definitely on the right path. There is a battle constantly going on between the rational mind and the sensitive heart – and it’s important to tune into what’s going on between the two for your own well-being mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Here are 4 heart-centered messages you should never ignore:

1. Honor your feelings.

Ask yourself questions and then wait for the first answer that pops into your head. This is a sign of your heart speaking to you. Watch and observe carefully for physical signs and synchronicity around you. When things are meant to be there is no pressure or blockage. There is a flow of joy coming through you with a “knowing” that is impossible to explain. This “knowing” is your heart singing a song of certainty. We have been taught in our society that you follow your heart up to a point and then let the mind take over. The issue with this concept is that the mind will analyze and overthink what the heart has already set out for you to be true. This is second-guessing yourself.

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” ~ Rumi

2. Follow your authentic truth.

Following your heart provides you with purpose. Your authentic truth is your imprint in this world. Each one of us has a unique individual authenticity. When we pursue our dreams and aspirations the world opens up more in our favor. We get to create from a place of power. Following your heart means pursuing your highest calling. We cannot do or follow passion halfway in our lives. You must be all in.

Passion is your truth. You must trust your heart and your mind will make the distinction of what is right for you. When you come from a place of purpose and truth there are little mistakes. We must dare to be ourselves. Once you start living from your truth you will find that there is no need to pretend or care about impressing anyone else.

“Truth resides within each of us. I’ve come to believe that authentic truth is not so much learned or taught as remembered in the deepest recesses of the soul (self), the ultimate essence of the Spirit of which we all partake.” ~ Carlton D. Pearson, God Is Not a Christian, Nor a Jew, Muslim, Hindu…: God Dwells with Us, in Us, Around Us, as Us

3. Open your mind to endless possibilities.

Do not be afraid of confusion. This is the place that the heart and mind will battle over what’s right. Allow yourself the gift of imagination and go to the impossible. Life is full of unlimited possibilities and the heart will always entertain these because it brings out the child-like qualities in us. As children, we do not ask for logic.

Children act on their heart’s desire. It is said that the perpetual enemy of the heart is the rational mind. Somewhere after the age of six, we begin to lose that sense of wonder that anything is possible. When in doubt of what you need to do follow the inkling that still believes in the impossible without questioning the improbable.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the wont’s. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”~ Shel Silverstein

4. Be courageous.

Listening to your heart also means finding the courage to go against many obstacles and naysayers around you. Your heart knows what’s best for you. This vulnerability sometimes comes with a price of judgment and criticism. Not everyone will understand your decisions. But, having the willingness to follow what your heart dictates serves as a freedom to pursue whatever you want on your terms.

Don’t allow fear to dictate your path. Courage is one of the most valuable traits in humanity. When you listen to your yearnings and intuition you will be taken to places that force you to grow and expand in consciousness.

“There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater. But sometimes it doesn’t.

Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow walk toward a better life. That is the sort of bravery I must have now.”~ Veronica Roth

5 Signs He Is Not The One For You

April 24, 2016 by Power of Positivity

You haven’t made up your mind yet, and the uncertainty makes you wonder if maybe he is not ‘The One’ for you. In this article, we will look at five deal-breakers that could be the reason you haven’t committed yet.

Your man is probably looking for someone attractive, healthy, intelligent, kind, honest, has a sense of humor, is dependable, and someone who has good communication skills. These were the traits that most men and women looked for in a study of over 200,000 men and women.

Researchers also say that heterosexual men and women ranked religion, fondness for children, and parenting abilities higher than homosexual men or women. They also say that the biological drive to have children leads men and women to search for an attractive, young, and healthy partner.

We mention this here because your search for the guy who is ‘The One’ may be very different if you have a specific goal, like raising a family.

5 Signs He Is Not “The One” For You

1. He’s not The One for you if he hasn’t finished growing up yet

Selfishness, being an egomaniac, outdated values, and jealousy are just a few of the psychological problems he might still be dealing with. Most adults mature and learn lessons about these negative personality traits because society disapproves of childish behavior.

If your man is still learning what it means to be an emotionally mature person, he may require too much retraining to make it worth your time. It IS still possible that he is The One, but it may involve a little change on your part. Keep reading to the end of the article.

2. He’s not The One for you if the future is all about him

Do your goals, dreams, and ambitions all take second place to his? Traditionally, the higher income earner makes decisions in a partnership, but that doesn’t mean you have to be second.

Ask your man to give you a voice in the decision-making process. If he doesn’t want to share the power to control your future, feel free to let him know that he’s not The One for you.

3. He’s not The One for you if he doesn’t understand emotions

We understand that there is immense cultural pressure for men to be tough and not show emotions, but The One for you needs to be able to express his deep love and connection with you.

4. He’s not The One for you if he shuts down communication

Another cultural guy trait is not being able to talk through problems. Your man can jump into action when you need him, but if you ask him to explain why he chose to spend $6000 on Superbowl tickets, he gets defensive and shuts down – or worse – he justifies his purchase based on how much you spend on your work clothes.

Communication is so essential for a lasting, long-term relationship, which is what you are hoping for with The One. Talking is how couples express their needs, make sure their needs are met, and make sure that they feel supported emotionally, mentally, and sexually.

5. He’s not The One for you if he’s broken your trust

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Unfortunately, if your man has broken your trust in the past, he is more likely to do it again. You can live with that uncertainty in your lives forever because, let’s face it, ‘The One’ is your forever mate.

Unfortunately, the stereotype of promiscuity for men is true. Researchers say ‘Men may possess three adaptations that make it seem as though they are generally more ‘oriented’ toward short-term mating than women: (1) Men possess greater desire for short-term sexual relationships than women; (2) Men prefer larger numbers of sexual partners over time than women; and (3) Men require less time before consenting to sex than women.’ This doesn’t mean your man can’t commit, but you should be aware of his tendencies.

If you feel secure that your man has changed his behavior for good, or you’ve decided to live with the possibility that he could hurt you again, he could still be your One. If you aren’t ready to forgive and trust him going forward, let him know that he is not The One for you.

Don’t despair if all signs point to ditching this man and moving on to the next One. People CAN change their behavior; sometimes, a licensed counselor can help unlearn old habits. On the other hand, adjusting your attitude toward your partner’s perceived ‘faults’ is all it takes from feeling that he isn’t The One to feeling like he is.

What Are the Signs to Know When You Do Find The One?

There are several signs that someone has found “the one,” including the following:

A strong and effortless connection: They feel comfortable, relaxed, and at ease in each other’s company.
Mutual respect and support: They support each other’s goals and aspirations and deeply respect each other’s opinions and decisions.
Similar values and interests: They share common values and interests and enjoy spending time together doing things they love.
Good communication: They are open and honest with each other and can effectively communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs.
A sense of security: They feel secure in their relationship and trust each other completely.
Shared plans for the future: They have a shared vision for their future together and are excited about the life they will build together.

Final Thoughts on the Search for The One

It’s important to remember that everyone’s experience of finding “the one” is unique, and these signs may vary from person to person. Ultimately, finding “the one” is a feeling of deep contentment, happiness in a relationship, and a sense that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You might make a few missteps along the way, which is okay. Indeed, it will make you appreciate your true soul mate better once you meet that person.

5 Things To Remember If Your Partner Ends Your Relationship

April 24, 2016 by Power of Positivity

Whenever a relationship ends, you may experience loss, blame, and despair. During these difficult moments, you encounter tremendous vulnerability and shame. This is followed by resentment and anger. No matter how excruciating the moments get, please remember your greatness.

Here are five things to remind yourself if your partner ends the relationship:

1. The pain from a breakup is real.

Scientists at Columbia University in Manhattan, NY, have researched the brain of college students after a break-up using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). These findings have shown that when the participant is shown a picture of their ex-partner, the brain lights up just as it would through the exposure of physical pain.

You are not imagining the hurt and destitution. And, just like any physical ailment, it takes time to heal. Your heart and your mind will recover. An unexpected breakup is distressing. The mind and body will need time to truly re-adjust to all the events surrounding them. Time is the best healer but does not put limitations and expectations on it. The worst thing you can do is rush the healing process.

2. You are worthy.

After a breakup, we are left wondering, “What did I do? Was I not good enough?” Thoughts begin to create around your self-worth. You are worth more than a relationship ending. A lot of times it isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. Personalities clash. Relationships are powerful lessons and experiences. Instead of asking negative questions that bring your self-esteem down, why not ask, “What did I learn from this person?”

Focus on the good. You will carry the memories of your relationship with you onto other unions. Don’t allow what one person reflected on your emotional body to become the foundation for another relationship.

3. You get to push a restart button.

Your world has just crashed. It’s been hard. You were blindsided. Step back and realize that this is a wonderful opportunity to start fresh. You don’t want to chase after someone who doesn’t recognize your vastness and greatness. You want to flourish and be happy. Make a list of things you have wanted to do but your partner did not. Go explore those parts that bring you joy.

When we are in relationships we forget to take care of ourselves. We are too busy trying to make sure the other person is happy. You are responsible for yourself. This is a wonderful time to redecorate your bedroom. Get a haircut. Start taking a painting class. You have the time to do those things that are on your bucket list. Don’t put them off any longer.

4. Stop trying to substitute the loss.

The devastation from heartache is profound. Do not reach for something to fill the space or the hurt. This is detrimental to your healing. You cannot heal when you immediately fall into another relationship. That cookie or bottles of booze won’t heal the ache either.

Therapy is a beautiful tool for allowing emotions to come through in a productive manner. Meditation, yoga, and hiking are examples of positive venues for those times when it’s too much to sit alone in the dark thoughts of sorrow. Start a gratitude journal. Each day writes down three things that have made you happy. Readjust the focus on something other than the finality of a relationship. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel.

5. Love yourself and the world will see your greatness.

You know all that love you poured into that relationship? You know the way you prepared a meal with such gratitude? Why not do the same for yourself? When you begin to give yourself that kind of love and attention the world opens up to you saluting your magnificent nature. You are the best candidate for love and know yourself better than anyone. You have created a world around you and just because someone walked out of it doesn’t mean that the world ends. Self-love is not selfish. Loving yourself is the most healing source of energy you will ever have.

Breakups, divorces, and even the loss from death are life-changing experiences in our lives. Mourn properly. Allow time to heal those parts of yourself that feel shattered and broken. Make the time and space to love yourself and connect to nature. Your physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies will be glad you gave yourself the love that you so righteously deserve. Reach out to friends and family. You are not alone in this.

“One of the best times for figuring out who you are & what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.”~ Mandy Hale

10 Signs Of A Scarcity Mindset

April 23, 2016 by Power of Positivity

Most people have been taught from early on that having money and abundance of any kind is a subject of fairy tales. They have been programmed to believe that there is only a certain amount of things they can reach. In Stephen Covey’s words, from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life. People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit — even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the success of other people.”

Here are 10 signs that you have a scarcity mindset:

1. It’s difficult to be happy for those who succeed around you.

The scarcity mindset doesn’t allow anyone to be happy for those who get a promotion at work, buy a new house, publish a book or anything that doesn’t involve them. The ego dictates the shots.

2. You are constantly comparing your worth to others.

You must “keep up with the Joneses.” Your self-worth and self-esteem are based on the comparisons of those around you. When you cannot keep up it becomes a struggle to keep going. Materialism determines your merits, virtues, and significance in the world.

3. You feel that when others acquire things, you have a less chance of acquiring those things.

You believe that there is a limited amount of things out there. Whenever someone reaches and grabs those things, like nice car for example, there is less for you to acquire.

4. On a subconscious level, you like others to fail.

You get happy when others do not accomplish their goals. You become very supportive during their downfall. But secretly, you rejoice in their inability to get what you believe is yours to receive.

5. When you win, you feel like you have conquered over everyone else.

You are no team player. You believe in survivor of the fittest. This type of mentality is narcissistic in its journey to be the very best at everything. They crave the title of success and they don’t care who they have to step on to reach it.

6. You are full of negative reasons why you don’t reach your goals.

The scarcity mindset is an oxymoron paradox. You crave for success but you find every excuse not to acquire it. You are a go-getter when you speak but you find reasons not to follow through with your goal. Then when others reach those goals you enter into victimization mode. How dare they take your success? They are not equipped to have that!

7. You have a difficult time sharing with others.

What is yours is yours and you worked hard to get it! Chauvinism is masterful for this mindset of scarcity. You become a child with selfish tantrums. The mind chit-chats, “I got this on my own. You go get your own.”

8. You are always trying to be in charge.

You truly believe no one else can do the job you do. You’ll be the leader at all costs. You have what it takes and no one else can possibly accomplish these things. This type of mindset does not allow for advice. It will never ask for help even when they need it the most.

9. Success means beating someone else.

You measure life based on fame, accomplishments and victory over anyone else. You get a tremendous high from feeling like you are the very best.

10. You ignore long term goals.

The scarcity mindset does not allow for long term goals. It is set on instant gratification. What can you get right now? How much can I get for this? Today is one thing, and tomorrow might be another because someone you know might just get that promotion that you deserve! You don’t focus on anything that can’t be reached quickly.

The scarcity mindset is not a genetic disposition. It can be changed, like the old saying, “Change your attitude, change your life.” You get to decide how you will survive in this world. Abundance is a state of mind. When you help others you are also aiding in your growth. When you rejoice in another person’s success you are bringing light into your path for success. Greed does not equal success. It’s temporary. When you continue to step over other folks’ toes, eventually you will be left alone. Your success is scarce based on your fears not because someone else has succeeded.

A shift in perception is vital in order to change from a scarcity to an abundance mentality. Your thoughts are your power. They are your own personal genie in the bottle. You can manifest wealth, health, and unlimited joy, or you can continue to determine your worth based on scarcity. There is no limited amount of supplies in this world. You have the ability to change every second of every day. Being vulnerable and accepting help is part of the process. This life is not meant to be spent alone. The joy and grace you give to others is returned with magical gifts.

“Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we’ve been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability) we’re angry and scared and at each other’s throats.” ~ Brene Brown

5 Lessons To Learn From Being Single

April 23, 2016 by Power of Positivity

While many of us tend to feel happier in a relationship, you shouldn’t look at being single as inherently “bad” or less enjoyable. Even though it can seem lonely and emotionally unsatisfying at times to not have a partner, you can gain many important benefits during your time as a single man or woman. Society seems to push the message that we can only find happiness in another person, however, this is very far from the truth.

Being single doesn’t have to mean loneliness and despair; in fact, you might be surprised to find out that science has proven that some people actually do better single. Whether you fit into this category or not, you can still learn to enjoy and cherish your time without a partner, so that you’ll feel even more ready to dive back into the dating world later.

Here are 5 important lessons to learn from being single:

1. Love isn’t just bound to a relationship.

With the advent of modern movies, advertisements, and mainstream media, we’ve been brainwashed into thinking that love somehow only exists in romantic relationships. Sadly, many people still feel incomplete without someone to call their own, and can’t seem to find love unless they have a significant other. However, love shouldn’t have conditions – it should just exist and become your primary state of being. In other words, you shouldn’t have to have a significant other to recognize the abundance of love in your life.

Being single can teach you to not only find love in other people, places, and things, but find it within yourself, as well. When you cultivate enough self-love, you will then see the reflection of this love in everything and everyone else in the world. Love should be a state of being, not a feeling you can only have in a relationship.

2. You don’t need anyone else to validate your existence.

Being single can also teach you that you and you alone have the responsibility to see value in yourself. You shouldn’t look to anyone else for acceptance or assurance, because if you have to do that, this means you don’t see your own self-worth. Other people can boost your self-esteem or provide support in times of uncertainty, but they shouldn’t replace the value you give to yourself.

As a single man or woman, you can learn how to love and take care of yourself, so that you won’t have to rely on someone else to do this for you.

3. Alone time is recovery time.

Many people in relationships don’t seem to remember how to spend time alone since they spend so much of it with their significant other. However, alone time allows us to recharge, do solitary activities that we enjoy, and cultivate passions and awareness without the presence or input of our partner. When you spend time alone, you have the opportunity for quiet reflection and powerful insights, something that you can’t really get in the presence of someone else.

4. Another person should add value to your life, not be the sole source of your happiness.

Also, your happiness should come from within, not from reliance on someone else to give it to you. Other people should make you feel good and excited to be around them, but you shouldn’t totally rely on them for feelings of safety, happiness, or anything else. Honestly, other people can leave whenever they wish, so depending on them for our sole source of well-being doesn’t sound like too promising of an idea. If you find happiness within yourself, no one can take that away from you.

So, during your time as a single man or woman, you can figure out your likes, dislikes, and what truly makes you happy. You get to discover yourself all over again, and nothing is more exciting than learning how to have a positive relationship with yourself.

5. Being single can provide you with the time to explore your own interests and hobbies.

Finally, being single allows you so much free time to do things you truly enjoy without having to check in with someone else first or see if they want to tag along. You get to be the boss and make your own decisions without the input of someone else, which can be totally liberating. All the time you spent with your significant other trying to decide what to do on the weekend or attempting to agree on a restaurant to eat at will seem quite taxing when you can just get up and do whatever you want on your own. No checking in with someone, no compromising, and no skipping out on things you enjoy just because someone else doesn’t agree.

Simply put, being single allows you the freedom, flexibility, and time to find yourself again, and learn how to truly fall in love with the one person who matters most – you.

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