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8 Reasons Some People Don’t Like You (And How to Change It)

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In the movie, There’s Something About Mary, a pleasant yet borderline-obsessed Ben Stiller hires a private eye (Matt Dillon) to locate his high school crush Mary (Cameron Diaz). In the end, many less-than-ideal suitors all vie for Mary’s attention. None can give a good reason exactly why they all like her.

Switching gears…

Let’s think about this question for a minute. Is a person’s personality – “something” that makes them who they are – a reasonable basis not to like them?

Yes and no.

The “Two Types”

On the one hand, there are the “rough outliers”– people who, for whatever reason – go out of their way to inflict pain and suffering on others. These types of characters are hard not to dislike. Think of the schoolyard bully who ends up in jail or prison for bludgeoning some innocent bystander.

Then, some are misunderstood. Think of the shy or socially awkward kid who had trouble fitting in at school. Such people often grow up thinking they’ll never be accepted – and are too often correct, sadly.

There’s a big difference between an extreme outlier and someone misunderstood, right? As far as Mrs. Clinton goes, we’ll leave that one up to you, dear reader! (Please refrain from rude and inappropriate comments.)

If any material covered resonates too closely, we’ve added a “fix” for each behavior. Enjoy!

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8 Reasons Some People Don’t Like You (And How to Change It)

Now that we’ve distinguished the two types, we can discuss why someone may be ostracized.

1. You try to impress everyone

“Nobody likes a showboat.” Does anyone remember someone telling them this? (Probably your grandmother or mother!)

It’s true. People who rev their engines or walk like they’re in a fashion show aren’t going to resonate well. They’re likely to be called out as arrogant and childish.

Fix: Ask a few people for their honest opinion of you. Keep a list of things you’re grateful for – and resist the urge to seek external validation.

2. You’re smart

People can’t get enough of Will McAvoy’s (Jeff Daniels) speech in HBO’s former series The Newsroom.

Daniel’s character rails everyone, from millennials to America’s lack of progress and everything in between. In lamenting over the latter, Daniels quietly says “We aspired to intelligence … It didn’t make us feel inferior.”

He’s right.

We see this problem in schools, where smarter kids who think differently face constant bullying. Inexcusably, it’s also in the workplace, where bright and driven people are fearful of standing out.

Fix: Have a bit more confidence in yourself. Learn the fine art of not giving a damn about people who envy you in the first place.

3. You’re a “know-it-all”

Catch you off guard a bit? Sorry!

There’s a fine line between someone intelligent and someone who’s a know-it-all.

Firstly, intelligent people don’t usually brag about their gifts; this is one area where know-it-alls have trouble. They could care less if their idea has merit, practicality, or other underlying criteria.

Intelligent people are modest. Though they may be bright, know-it-alls risk having an object thrown in their general direction.

Fix: Maybe you’re trying a bit too hard. Work on practicing some self-restraint. You don’t need to prove your worth!

4. You’re a gossip

You may be the office gossiper if you’re upset about this one being on the list.

Here’s the straight-up truth: gossip should’ve disappeared from your repertoire the minute you left high school. Gossip gets you nowhere except in the bad graces of others.

Gossiping is a dumb behavior – something best left for the tabloids.

Fix: Don’t do it.

be yourself

5. You’re controlling

Nobody expects nor deserves to be at the beck and call of someone else. Controlling (and manipulating) behavior is abusive, period.

Sarah Newman, MA, explains the rationale behind controlling behaviors:

“One (theory) is that people who can’t control themselves turn to controlling others … A person full of insecurities has to exact a positive sense of self from other people because their self-esteem is too low to do it for themselves.”

Fix: First, understand what controlling is and is not. Accept any underlying insecurities and regrets if you’re in the former group. Seek help from a therapist or practice mindfulness meditation.

6. You don’t listen

The sixth reason on our list – not listening – is something we all do from time to time. The human brain is wired for novelty, and listening can be, well … boring.

But active listening is a great and highly sought-after skill. We may not like what someone is saying, but if it’s something you need to hear, it benefits us to give our full attention to the speaker.

Fix: Active listening is a skill, and like any other skill, it is attainable. Understand the value (personal and professional) of being a good listener. Research, read, and practice active learning techniques.

7. You don’t think before speaking

Some people can talk off the cuff better than others. In fact, some people convey their thoughts better this way. For example, extroverts are typically much better at this than introverts.

Then there are the blabbermouths – people who have chronic diarrhea of the mouth. Such individuals who add their ignorant two cents all the time. Perhaps it isn’t their fault; after all, someone must learn before they can implement.

Fix: In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the late Dr. Stephen Covey says “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.”

The fix depends on your willingness to become a better listener. Don’t be afraid of uncomfortable silence. If you need some time to think about an answer, let the other person know!

It’s important, however, to hold yourself accountable. At the same time, don’t be too self-critical!)

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8. You try too hard

Trying too hard – more specifically, wasting efforts on shallow things – is a behavior that many people either don’t appreciate or understand. Here are some examples:

– People who try too hard to fit in.

– Those who try too hard to look good.

– People who try too hard to “be the best” – and don’t back it up.

Fix: You may be afraid of being alone; you may be scared of being seen as inferior. As someone who’s dealt with the issue at hand, one solution is to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance.

Be you! You ARE worthy!

A parting quote …

The infamous Japanese swordsman, Miyamoto Musashi, wrote in his book The Five Rings:

“There is nothing outside of yourself that will ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself.”

Let us all take heed and carve our own life’s path.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

5 Signs Your Partner Is Manipulating Your Relationship

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Having a partner who manipulates your relationship can be an isolating experience. In fact, it is one you may not even be aware that you’re going through. The act of manipulation is steering someone into the desired behavior. They behave this way to achieve a personal goal or hidden agenda. Manipulating is often a tactic of abusive partners, though it can also be the side effect of someone’s toxic behavior.

Psychotherapist and author Beatty Cohan states, “When we start to feel that something is off, we have to trust our instincts that something is just not okay. You feel like you are on a roller coaster ride. The earlier you get out, the better.” Because according to her, “so often verbal and emotional manipulation can turn into abuse.”

Noting the signs of a manipulative partner can be difficult, especially if you feel isolated in the relationship. However, once you’re aware of what consists of manipulative behavior, you’ll be better able to handle it and resist the manipulation or exert boundaries – even if that means walking away. The signs that your partner is manipulating your relationship can be both overt and subtle.

“Relationships with negative people are simply tedious encounters with porcupines. You don’t have the remote knowledge how to be close to them without quills being shot in your direction.” – Shannon L. Alder

Here Are 5 Signs Your Partner Is Manipulating Your Relationship

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1. They’re always the victim

If you find that your partner cries foul in the relationship, they may be manipulating you. Even if they start the argument, or even if they’ve done something to hurt your feelings, you may feel like you’re the one who is always apologizing and always trying to make things better.

Conflict resolution specialist Dr. Mary Casey states, “Manipulators aim to control their partners by pressing the buttons that get them emotional, whether it be making them feel afraid, unworthy, stupid, insecure, angry or frustrated.”

Your partner may act as if they can do no wrong, and often cast themselves as the victim of every negative situation in order to gain sympathy or to guilt you into agreeing with them. If your partner often does this, it’s best to communicate to them what your perception of the given situation is, and to stand your ground if they continue to try and self-victimize.

2. Silent treatment is always on agenda when manipulating you

Don’t confuse aggressive silence with your partner’s need for space to themselves during an argument. In fact, they hope the silent treatment gets the other person to try and re-establish closeness. “Manipulators are actually very insecure in their relationships, and will engage in emotional tactics in an aggressive or passive aggressive manner to gain control,” says Dr. Casey.

Rather than communicating with you, your partner may shut down entirely and refuse to talk to you until you concede to a point or apologize for something that they feel that you’ve done wrong. This is a sign of manipulation, as it relies on punishing the other person with silence until they relent or concede an argument, rather than using communication to work through an issue.

If this happens, the best thing to do is to communicate to your partner that you won’t be playing the silent treatment game with them and that if they want to continue a discussion they’ll have to stop giving you the cold shoulder.

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3. There are frequent violent outbursts

If your partner often behaves in wild and over-exaggerated manners, often coupled with outbursts of violence (yelling, throwing objects, etc.), this may be a sign of multiple issues, including manipulation.

Clinical psychologist Tom Cory states, your partner behaves “the way he or she does essentially for one main reason: he or she must be in complete control and must have all the power in his or her relationship.”

If your partner often tries to provoke an angry response from you, this is often called “baiting.” If you take the bait then your partner may often flip the script on you as soon as you do. This is manipulation because your partner behaves in a way to get you to respond with the same energy. If this happens, it’s best to call a timeout to the situation and remove yourself for both your safety and your partner’s.

4. Life will be filled with empty promises

Perhaps your partner is constantly promising that they’re going to change their behavior, or maybe even just promising to do things so that you’ll stop asking them, or so that you’ll do something in return. In the end, though, your partner never follows through. This is a form of manipulation, by promising you something in order to get something in return. However, when you follow through on your end, your partner never seems to be able to do so on theirs.

This is a big red-flag for your partner manipulating your relationship. As a result, you’ll want to stop giving in to things that your partner wants in return for empty promises. You may even decide that at this point it’s best to walk away from the relationship. Relationships are two-way streets. So if your partner is taking without giving in return, then it might be best that you no longer yield and give in to their wants.

5. You will notice obvious signs of self-harm

Now, self-harm in and of itself does not mean your partner is manipulating you. In fact, most time it means that the person in question is going through a terrible crisis. They need compassion and empathy. However, when manipulating turns to self-harm. In fact, they often do this in a way that’s overt and meant to generate distress and crisis with their loved ones.

Psychotherapist Lisa Ferentz mentions, “Typically, the self-destructive behavior is just the symptom of deeper, untapped, and unresolved issues that have not been identified, processed, or healed.”

Your partner may resort to self-harming when you deny them something. Additionally, they might try to garner sympathy after they’v hurt you. At this point, your partner needs more help than you may be able to offer them. Therefore, it is important that they see someone to help with their self-harming tendencies.

You must avoid a relationship where your partner is manipulating you. Having a support system in place to help you when it comes to dealing with a manipulative partner is important. There may be manipulative tendencies that your partner has that can be worked on with therapy. However, it’s important to know that your safety and well-being comes first. Besides that, if the manipulation is getting out of hand then it’s okay to step back from the relationship and reassess how you want to move forward.


5 Signs Someone Is Baiting You

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Toxic, manipulative, and abusive people have all kinds of tactics that are used to control the people around them. One of those tactics is baiting. Baiting is when someone deliberately acts to elicit either an angry or emotional response from the person they’re interacting with. When one wants to start an argument, this is often used between two people. So they engage in baiting to get their way.

The goal is usually to get the other person to start the fight to turn the tables on them. It’s a tactic used to gain an advantage in an argument. The other person is fully aware that they’re baiting, and the victim is often confused, hurt, and easily manipulated.

Marriage and family therapist Andrea Brandt says, “People who fight dirty often do it because they’re actually afraid of fighting, or don’t want to take ownership of a fight.”

Therefore, knowing the signs of baiting will help you be more fully prepared if you ever find yourself in such a situation.

“Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it.” – Thomas Jefferson

Here Are 5 Signs Someone Is Baiting You

baiting

1. They accuse you of something out of nowhere

This is a classic baiting move. Perhaps your partner suddenly accuses you of cheating on them, even if you’ve never done anything to suggest that you are or ever would. The accusation, whatever it may be, is designed to leave you off balance and struggling to defend yourself while the other person has already moved on to other ways to manipulate you.

According to author Stephanie Sarkis, “They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter’s own behavior.”

They’re trying to bait you into defending yourself while being able to turn the tables and act as the victim. Instead of trying to defend yourself against an accusation, try to figure out why they would accuse you of that, and dismantle their baiting by encouraging them to explain their thought process.

2. They damage something of yours

Baiting doesn’t always have to an argument. In fact, someone may be baiting you by purposefully damaging something that belongs to you in order to get a response of anger. Once you’re angry, the person baiting you can more easily manipulate the situation. Perhaps you come home one day to discover that your partner, friend, or family member has deliberately caused damage to something you own, or your property.

According to SafePlace “This behavior of breaking loved ones’ possessions or needed home items can be used as a punishment but is mostly used to terrorize the person into submission.” The deliberate destruction of something you own is a classic, red-flag sign of someone using a baiting technique.

3. They’re playing on your emotions

Baiting is almost always used to elicit an emotion from one person to the other. The person who is baiting you wants to be able to manipulate a situation. Indeed, they need you in a particular state of mind to be able to do so. They may use baiting to make you angry or to upset you significantly.

Licensed psychotherapist and author states, “The gaslightee begins to second-guess herself because she has allowed another person to define her reality and erode her judgment.” The point of using your emotions is to control you, however that might be done by the baiter.

When our bodies give over to a more primal, emotional response, staying in control of our higher reasoning is much harder. This is what the person who is baiting you relies on for better ease of manipulation.

4. They deliberately make you jealous

If your partner flirts with other people or cheats on you as a way to make you jealous, this is a baiting technique. If your partner flirts with people in front of you and compares you to their past partners or even just compares you to strangers, this is a sign they want to bait you.

Perhaps they want to bait you into an argument, or want to bait you into “proving them wrong”. Either way, this is a sign someone is baiting you. Thus, they are using your emotions to manipulate you. Your partner may even claim that it’s all in your head as a form of gaslighting.

5. They’re always the victim

They will always be the victim no matter what they did to bait you into your response. Even if they flirted with someone in front of you, it’s because you don’t pay them enough attention. If they destroy something that belongs to you, you make them angry.

Someone baiting you will never concede to the point that they’re the ones causing the argument or problem. If you find yourself in a situation where the other person deliberately elicited a response from you, but you’re still in the wrong, it’s a good sign that you’re being baited.

What Should You Do If You Find Yourself Being Baited?

Recognizing the signs is important. But there’s still more to do when it comes to being on the receiving end of someone’s bait.

1. Don’t take the bait

This is important. If you’re not responding, then the other person isn’t getting what they want from you. That means you’ll be able to move on from the bait and have a real conversation.

2. Don’t argue or try to appeal to reason

You may want to leave the room entirely. Is your partner baiting you? Then it’s good to give the other person time and yourself time to cool off. That’s especially necessary if the baiting is looking for an angry response.

baiting

 

3. Have a support system

It’s essential to have some outside perspectives when dealing with someone who uses baiting as a technique of manipulation. Whether this is friends, family or a professional therapist, it’s good to have support.

Understanding what baiting is, where it comes from, and how to handle it in all its forms is the best way to deal with a situation in which someone is baiting you. associate director at Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of The Gaslight Effect, Dr. Robin Stern says:

“Once you are not flooded with emotion, you can reflect rationally. Look at the conversation and see where it took a turn.”

Of course, it may seem difficult and even a little frightening. However, knowing how to handle the situation properly will make the whole thing smoother than taking the bait.

4 Signs of Emotional Blackmail

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Emotional blackmail is something that happens between a manipulative or abusive person and a victim. It is often described as threats and punishments meant to control another person’s behavior while not escalating to physical violence. Make no mistake. However, emotional blackmail is just as abusive and manipulative as getting physical. In fact, it may cause just as much lasting emotional damage.

Counselor and psychotherapist Carey West says, “Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation. It leaves you in a FOG when there is a haze of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. Often the Emotional blackmailer is not a deliberate tactic on the others’ part – it’s just the method that gets them what they want! And have found that it works!”

For emotional blackmail to occur, the blackmailer needs to demand a victim, which is then followed by a threat if the demand isn’t met. Understanding the signs of emotional blackmail and what to do in such a circumstance will help make sure that you or someone you know doesn’t fall victim to an abusive or manipulative person.

Here Are 4 Signs Of Emotional Blackmail

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.” – Louis C.K.

Do you observe any of these behaviors in your partner?

1. Threats against someone or something close to the victim

Emotional blackmail always involves a threat, but what exactly is being threatened isn’t always the same. For example, one sign of emotional blackmail is the blackmailer threatening to damage something that the victim holds dear. Whether this is a physical object or something more abstract like a close relationship or their reputation at work or school. The victim feels as if they have to comply with the blackmailer. This decision helps them avoid this person tamper with or destroy something that they care about.

2. Threats against the victim

While this is less common, it is still another sign that emotional blackmailing is occurring. The blackmailer may make threats against the victim, threatening physical violence if they don’t comply with their demands.

According to licensed mental health counselor Christine Hammond, “For a blackmailer to be successful, they must know what the target fears. This fear is often deep-rooted such as fear of abandonment, loneliness, humiliation, and failure.”

Because the goal is to threaten until they get their way, violence may not happen. However, the mere threat of violence directed against the victim is meant to manipulate and control them into giving in to the blackmailer’s demand.

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3. Threats against themselves

Emotional blackmailers who are close to the victim in an intimate way, like a partner or a parent, may use another tactic and threaten harm against themselves. Psychotherapist Kate Thieda adds, “It may feel like you have no choice but to do exactly what the person says to avoid a tragedy, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself and potentially save the other person’s life as well.”

Therefore, threatening self-harm might be a way to control the situation and force the victim to comply with their demands under the assumption that the victim doesn’t want any harm to the blackmailer. This statement may be a threat of simply harming themselves or even the threat of suicide. However, never take a suicide threat lightly–call for help.

4. Using guilt to blackmail and manipulate

Frequently, an emotional blackmailer will use threats combined with guilt to make their victim give in to their demands. They may use other people as well to gang up on the victim.  Hammond adds, “This type of emotional blackmail is more commonly known as “guilt-tripping.” The threat is designed to make the victim feel guilty for causing some negative outcome to the blackmailer. Many times the guilt is implied, and the demand is not overtly stated.”

For example, an emotional blackmailer may justify why they stole money from the victim by saying, “Because you don’t care about what I need.” They may even say things like, “I spoke with [x], and they agreed that you’re unfair.” Whether or not they spoke to someone who agreed with them doesn’t matter – all that matters is that they’re able to use the guilt to manipulate the victim.

Here’s How To Deal With Emotional Blackmail And Stop Being The Victim

Knowing what emotional blackmail looks like is the first step to understanding how to deal with it when you or someone you know is caught in this situation. There are some main things to remember when dealing with someone who is yielding emotional blackmail as a manipulation tool.

1. Don’t give in to the demands

So you are in quite a scary situation. But giving in to the demands or rewarding the blackmailer will only encourage them and make the situation worse. Be firm and stand your ground, and firmly refuse to give in to what the blackmailer wants. Especially refuse if the threat is violence towards yourself or others, and remove yourself from the situation if that occurs.

2. Know that people don’t blackmail the ones that they love

This can help detach you or the victim from the situation and make it easier to refuse to give in to the threat or demand. Recognizing that no one who truly cares for you would make demands while threatening harm on you, themselves, or others will make it easier to see the situation for what it is.

3. Remove something from the equation: you, the threat, the demand, or the blackmailer

Often, you won’t be able to control the blackmailer, but you can control yourself. Removing yourself from the situation will make it so that the blackmailer has no one to control, and you’ll be better able to deal with the situation when you’re not doing so under pressure.

Whether you or someone you know has fallen victim to an emotional blackmailer, the most important thing is to know the signs so that the victim can be removed from the situation safely. Threats of violence against the victim or others shouldn’t be taken lightly.

As Dr. Christina Charbonneau rightly pointed out the following:

“We all have choices, and you can choose to help yourself. Stop the vicious cycle of allowing yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by others by questioning what others are saying to you before you take it as fact and believe it.”

Knowing how to react and safely de-escalate the situation is the most important thing when dealing with someone who uses emotional blackmail to manipulate others.

References:
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/emotional-blackmail
https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/08/what-is-emotional-blackmail/


7 Signs You’re Making A Positive Difference In The World (Even If You Think You Aren’t)

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It would’ve been effortless to find a quote by some multi-billionaire or millionaire to introduce this article about making a positive difference in the world. But that would’ve defeated most of its purpose.

It’s commonplace to flip on the T.V. and hear news about some celebrity or public figure giving a bunch of money, adopting kids, or starting foundations. Make no mistake; these things are great – really great. In fact, this article mentions a couple of wealthy philanthropists. (Ironically, they don’t care too much about money.)

Then there are the people who sit on their money, waste their time, and do absolutely nothing to help make any difference.

But many teachers, police officers, social workers, nurses, janitors, mechanics, farmers – and many more – make a living (and/or a lifestyle) making a quiet but distinct difference in the world.

“It takes each of us to make a difference for all of us.” – Jackie Mutcheson – Teacher

Let’s use a couple of examples of everyday positive people from the list above.

  • Most of us would be illiterate without teachers.
  • Our world would be saturated in violence and mayhem without police officers.
  • We’d have dirty buildings and less productivity without custodians.
  • We would have little to no food without farmers.

We could keep going, but you get the idea. The point is that we all have a role to play.

And all of us make a difference. In fact, you’re probably making the world better without being aware.

Let’s talk about 7 ways you’re making a difference in the world:

positive

1. You’re dedicated to your work – and do it ethically

It doesn’t matter what kind of sector you’re in; nonprofit, for-profit, manufacturing, industry, technology; if you engage in work with a dedicated mind and heart, you’re making a difference.

This type of dedication has nothing to do with money – and everything to do with how it benefits others.

2. You always seek out the truth

Here’s the truth: there’s a mix of good people and bad people. Fortunately, most Americans seem to believe this as well. In a poll taken by YouGov, 45% of the public believe that “bad people are quite rare.” Only 25% believe that one in every two people are “bad.”

Regardless of what stories the mass media may try to sell us, there are plenty of good, honest people. If you happen to be among this group, you’re making a difference.

3. You’re committed to self-improvement

Ask yourself this question: why do people try and better themselves? Think about it.

Here are a few things to consider improving:

  • Enhancing one’s opportunities.
  • Garnering more respect and admiration.
  • Bettering the lives of other people.

Are there some narcissistic, self-serving folks in this group? Sure.

But if you’re improving yourself, you are likely doing so for a noble reason.

4. You try and “reach” others

Individuals that make a difference comprehend the importance of human connections, engagement, and relationships. Perhaps most admirable is that some people will push beyond any perceived limitations (shyness, laziness, etc.) to make these positive connections.

As a result, others get to learn from their knowledge and talents. Many counselors, social workers, and teachers had to expand their “comfort zone” before being able to pursue their passion: helping people.

5. You lift others up

What’s quite amazing about many people who make a positive difference is that they don’t “clock in and clock out.” In other words, inspiring others isn’t seen as a “job” (though it could be), but a way of life.

If you spend a good chunk of your time making others smile, you are indeed making a difference. For you, every authentic smile is a byproduct of benevolence and love.

6. You happily share your knowledge

Most likely, you’ve never heard of Tan Le, the CEO of Emotiv. Emotiv is the first company to make commercially viable headsets capable of using brain waves to manipulate objects.

“Imagine what this (device) could do for a quadriplegic or someone with loss of limbs.” Passionate about her vision, Ms. Le open-sourced her company’s proprietary technology for medical experiments at no cost.

You don’t have to be a CEO to share your knowledge. Thousands volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters of America, a non-profit organization. These people share their knowledge and build positive relationships with children in need.

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7. You give

If you’re finding a way to donate a bit of money to charity, spend some time at a hospital, or go out of your way to help someone – you are making a difference.

Giving of oneself is something we can all do in some way. We needn’t be wealthy or have a lot of free time. Odds are, if you have a givers heart, you know this already.

In closing, consider the positive and uplifting words of Mahatma Gandhi: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Doctor Explains How to Relieve Anxiety Instantly Using Your Vagus Nerve

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What is the vagus nerve? And how can it relieve anxiety?

“It’s almost like a yin and yang. The vagal response reduces stress. It reduces our heart rate and blood pressure. It changes the function of certain parts of the brain, stimulates digestion, all those things happen when we are relaxed.” ~ Mladen Golubic, M.D., Cleveland Clinic’s Center for Integrative Medicine

In simple terms, the vagal response stimulates the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve extends from your brain stem, to your tongue, vocal chords, heart, lungs, and internal organs.

How the Vagus Nerve Can Relieve Anxiety Symptoms:

The vagus nerve is a long nerve which runs from the brainstem down to the abdomen, and it is involved in many critical bodily functions, including heart rate, digestion, and respiration. It also plays a critical role in regulating the body’s stress response, closely connecting to anxiety.

One way the vagus nerve may relieve anxiety is through its influence on the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the “rest and digest” response. Engaging the vagus nerve can help decrease the heart rate and breathing rate, which can help counteract the physiological symptoms of anxiety.

Additionally, the vagus nerve is involved in regulating the neurotransmitter GABA, an inhibitory neurotransmitter that helps calm the brain and reduce anxiety. Activation of the vagus nerve increases GABA levels in the brain, possibly contributing to its anxiolytic effects.

There are various ways to stimulate the vagus nerve to help relieve anxiety symptoms, including deep breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, and biofeedback techniques. This article will examine how to relax the vagus nerve to relieve anxiety.

Intriguingly, yoga masters have used the vagal response in “breath work called pranayama, (as) a regular part of yoga practice” for centuries.

According to Dr. Mladen Golubic, an internist at Cleveland Clinic’s Center for Integrative Medicine, regularly practicing vagal stimulation can reduce anxiety and stress –and help mitigate or neutralize conditions such as asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary, and cardiovascular disease.

Dr. Golubic’s assertion should bring us all comfort; to a large degree, our mental and physical health is in our control. “There are studies that show that people who practice breathing exercises and have those (abovementioned) conditions – they benefit,” says Golubic.

Judi Bar, the yoga program manager at the Cleveland Clinic, concurs with Dr. Golubic: “Our breaths will either wake us up or energizes us. It will relax us, or it will (balance ) us.”

The Science Behind the Vagus Nerve

relieve anxiety

The amygdala (um-ig-duh-luh), which is part of the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), gives us the lovely “fight-or-flight response” that puts us on edge. Think of how you feel when some jerk cuts you off in traffic, or while waiting on hold for 20 minutes. Yep, that’s the fight-or-flight (‘FOF’) response.

While the FOF response has kept our species alive, it’s also a pain in the you-know-what. We get pissed off over the smallest things because of two almond-shaped glands at the base of our brain. Individuals with mental health problems, such as chronic anxiety and depression, are constantly on-edge because of amygdalar activity.

When we can’t seem to relax, it’s time to engage the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) by stimulating the vagus nerve.

While it may sound complicated, it’s not too difficult. Furthermore, it becomes much easier with regular practice. When stimulating the vagus nerve, the most important thing is to control your breathing. Heavy breathing and a spike in blood pressure are the byproducts of SNS fight-or-flight activity.

“Deep breathing is a great example of that,” says Dr. Golubic. “We have a certain space where we can control breathing. We can extend the inhalation and the exhalation. So by those practices, we can activate the parasympathetic nervous system.”

“The best practice is a complete breath which involves diaphragmatic breathing.”

The diaphragm is a dome-shaped, muscular wall separating the lungs from the stomach. It plays a significant role in breathing, as it inflates the lungs.

The problem is that we don’t engage the diaphragm enough while breathing; instead, we tend to breathe shallowly (“chest breathe”).

There are significant disadvantages to not breathing with our diaphragm. By not engaging the diaphragm, our bodies do not receive the optimal amount of oxygen – something that affects our minds and bodies.

When we are stressed or anxious, we almost always chest breathe. However, stress and anxiety are times when we need diaphragmic breathing the most.

anxiety

Here’s what to do! Enough science-ey stuff. Let’s get to the chase.

Relieve Anxiety Instantly Using This One Trick

Here’s what you need to do:

  1. Lie on a  yoga mat or bed with the knees bent slightly. You might need to use a pillow underneath the knees for support. Place one hand on your upper chest and the other underneath the rib cage. This position will allow you to feel your diaphragm as you breathe.
  2. Breathe slowly through the nose; you will feel it as your stomach moves against your hand. The hand on your chest should stay as still as possible.
  3. Tighten your stomach muscles; let them fall inward as you exhale through pursed (tightly pressed) lips. The hand on your upper chest should remain as still as possible. You can do it while sitting after getting familiar with diaphragmic breathing while lying down!  (Aside from steps 3 & 4, there is a minutia of difference between the two positions.)
  4. Here’s what to do when sitting:
    • Sit comfortably with your knees bent, and your shoulders, head, and neck relaxed.
    • Breathe slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves against your hand. The hand on the chest should remain stationary.
    • Place one hand on your upper chest and the other below your rib case. (Same as in the lying down position – same as next step.)
    • Tighten your stomach muscles; let them fall inward as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.

Four Other Things to Increase Vagus Nerve Health and Relieve Anxiety

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic also suggest you do these things to increase your vagal response:

  • Maintain an active lifestyle
  • Eat healthier foods
  • Try yoga or meditation
  • Address health conditions such as high blood pressure or diabetes.

relieve anxiety

Final Thoughts: The Vagus Nerves Directly Impact Anxious Thoughts and Feelings

The vagus nerve may relieve anxiety by regulating the body’s stress response and promoting relaxation. Engaging the vagus nerve can slow down the heart and breathing rates, which can help counteract the physiological symptoms of anxiety, such as rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. Activation of the vagus nerve has also been shown to increase levels of GABA, an inhibitory neurotransmitter that calm the brain and reduces feelings of anxiety. Therefore, by stimulating the vagus nerve through techniques such as deep breathing exercises, individuals may experience reduced anxiety symptoms and an overall sense of relaxation and well-being.

5 Behaviors That Show Someone Is In Denial

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Denial: believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Denial (in psychology): failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism.

“So, does denial really exist? And if it does, how does it work?”

This question was asked to Dr. Carl Alasko, a family therapist and expert writer for Psychology Today. Dr. Alasko nailed his point home: “Yes, denial (of reality) exists.”

The more important questions, which Dr. Alasko answers, are How and Why denial exists.

After all, we humans are gifted with a powerful brain; along with a remarkable ability to analyze information. Certainly, we could comprehend basic facts, right?

Apparently, it’s not that easy. Here’s why:

  • “It’s an oversimplification to believe something is either true or false,” says. Dr. Alasko. Our ability to produce complex emotions can interfere with something basic as seeing the truth.
  • “Ideology, inertia, momentum, impulsiveness, and stubbornness (can) easily relegate facts to a far corner.” Dr. Alasko uses how we spend money as an example of these emotions.
  • Reality is often interpreted as constricting.
  • Sometimes the truth is too painful to admit – an unfortunate psychological event that is often the consequence of trauma.

In wrapping up his response, Dr. Alasko makes a powerful statement:

“There is an immutable fact about denial: it does not work – long term. Reality always wins.” 

Cognitive Dissonance and Denial

denial

‘Cognitive Dissonance’…99 percent of us do it

Some of the things we need to hear are either disregarded or substituted for things we want to hear.

Re-read that sentence. Go ahead.

Why would we substitute or disregard truth?

Ready?

Denial! Denial, denial, denial.

A quick word…

Many spiritual leaders, past and present, speak on the importance of abstaining from hypocrisy. Why? Because it’s both disingenuous and immoral – and potentially dangerous (e.g., someone experiencing trauma.)

Specific topics, such as the one we’re discussing, require us to take a non-judgmental and delicate approach. Let us be tolerant and leave hypocrisy at the door.

The five behaviors of being in denial:

So far, we’ve discussed the mystery that is denial and the inherent emotional bias that most of us possess, the latter being the most common reason we engage in the act in the first place.

Now we’re going to talk about how denial looks. More specifically, the behaviors and thought processes someone exhibits when in a denial phase.

Let’s go!

1. Stress

Denial, especially that which results from cognitive dissonance, often appears as anxiety. Anger is another way that people cope with stress. This behavior could manifest as emotional outbursts, snapping at someone, or displaying unusually volatile mood swings.

All of these behaviors are the result of your subconscious mind’s attempt to bring the problem to the surface. The issue, of course, is that the parts of the mind are resisting such efforts.

2. Making excuses

Denial and excuse-making are two peas in a pod. When you routinely hear someone say “I didn’t, because …” “Here’s what happened…” “Sorry I’m irresponsib- LATE!” there’s a problem.

Okay, so the third is a bit of a stretch. But you get the idea.

We’ve all had a tough stretch, and we’ve all made dumb mistakes. We’ve all made excuses for both. The problem is when a person remains in denial about their poor decisions and “solves” them by making excuses. Spoiler: it doesn’t work.

3. Playing the victim (sometimes)

Why ‘sometimes?’ Unfortunately, as we’ve discussed, some people in denial have been victimized; a fact that continues to wear on their psyche. In turn, the conscious and subconscious are engaged in a seemingly unending battle.

Here’s a sentence dedicated to people out there facing such difficult circumstances – we dearly hope you find peace and acceptance.

Playing the victim most strongly correlates with cognitive dissonance. A person is aware of an uncomfortable truth; yet childishly acts as if they have no control. This is playing victim – something that’s irresponsible and self-defeating.

4. Regret

Regret sucks­ – that’s the lesson here. Here’s why regret sucks:

  • It is useless (thanks, Marlon Brando!)
  • Regret is pointless
  • It is self-defeating
  • Regret can rob you of a better future
  • It does rob you of the present

In short, regret can weigh heavily on a person’s heart and mind. Saying “I wish I would’ve done this…” solves nothing. The person must learn acceptance, or they’ll be dealing with regret – and its consequences – for a while.

denial

5. Low self-confidence

No matter the extent to which denial becomes part of our behavior, self-image is inevitably affected. It’s affected because we’re intelligent!

The mind and brain recognize the pattern of denial; it innately knows that we’re engaging in the act of self-deception.

Our mind will only regain equilibrium once we see denial for what it truly is:

An illusion.

10 Traits of A Gifted Child

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“Early testing and identification can be a controversial subject, but many advocates of gifted children believe that they should be identified as soon as possible so that their unique needs and talents can be acknowledged and nurtured right from the start..” – David Palmer, Ph.D., “Is Your Child Gifted? What to Look for and Why You Should Know…”

What is giftedness?

Thomas Edison, perhaps history’s most brilliant inventor, was once told he was too stupid to learn. Albert Einstein, history’s greatest physicist, said many people told him he’d amount to nothing.

Being gifted in a society that doesn’t understand it is hard. Elon Musk, arguably today’s most successful polymath, was bullied and neglected throughout his childhood. Musk’s story is not uncommon for children of exceptional intellect.

Recognizing, appreciating and nourishing a young person’s gifts is important. Perhaps more so is encouraging a child to develop their innate intelligence. In this article, we’ll focus on the former. (There’s a strong possibility we will write on the latter group in a future article.)

Giftedness is defined by the National Association for Gifted Children as:

“When (a child’s) ability is significantly above the norm for their age. (Giftedness) may manifest in one or more domains such as; intellectual, creative, artistic, leadership, or in a specific academic field such as language arts, mathematics or science.”

Here we’ll discuss 10 traits of a gifted child:

1. They question how everything works

The curiosity of a gifted child can be likened to a house pet that is constantly examining and re-examining their environment. It’s quite common for brilliant children to inquire about everything. Parents’ patience is routinely tested as they try to deal with the constant stream of questions.

2. They prefer the company of adults

Brilliant kids quickly grasp topics discussed in school, especially at an early age. As a result, they’ll get bored trying to converse with their peers. When it becomes evident that their teacher must focus on the entire classroom, the kid will seek out other adults to engage in conversation.

3. They love reading

It’s no surprise that most super successful people, e.g., Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and countless others, were child prodigies. They also loved to read as children. This insatiable reading only grows, as smart children are able to read quicker and earlier than their peers.

4. They are insightful

A child who provides original thoughts and ideas on topics is probably exceptional. Most young kids will “parrot” geography facts to the teacher, for example, while a gifted kid is more likely to add to what’s taught. They may discuss how the world map looked 500 years ago; who knows?

5. They’re determined and focused

Sunny Verma, founder and CEO of Tutorbright says, “Gifted children typically have an amazing sense of focus. When given a task, they tend to work on it without distractions until completion. TV, video games, and social media do not divert their attention, allowing them to finish with efficiency.”

6. They aren’t perfect

Mr. Verma’s above quote, while anecdotally true, is certainly not absolute. Kids are, after all, kids – prodigy or otherwise. “Gifted students benefit from advanced cognitive competencies, but may still struggle in areas related to frustration, carelessness, lack of executive functioning skills (e.g., emotional regulation), or poor concentration skills,” says Dr. Mallory Kojkowsky, a director of admissions and outreach at a gifted school in Miami, Florida.

7. They assume leadership

Not all bright kids take the lead, but it’s certainly not unheard of. Even an introverted, gifted child will – at times – come out of their shell to guide their peers. This frequently occurs during group projects; when the child – because of their ability to look at, rethink, and solve a problem – will give their peers a sense of direction. 

8. They exceed expectations

Naturally, when a child is young, we don’t expect too many things. This time is usually when the magic that is intellectual giftedness will really shine. Instead of a child picking up and reading at six years old, they may start reading at age three. They may form complex words at a young age. Maybe they’ll start taking apart and reassembling things (hopefully nothing too important!)

9. They recognize patterns

Gifted children have an exceptional ability to notice patterns; not just in games and activities, but also in human actions and behaviors. Niranjan Reddy, Ph.D. and clinical psychologist says, “Gifted children notice everything, from which bus passes the house after breakfast time to how many bricks can fit inside the toy trunk. They are very good at observing and remembering key information.”

10. They possess a breadth of knowledge

Elon Musk, the founder and CEO of SpaceX, Tesla, and Solar City, was a child prodigy. When he ran out of books to read, he started devouring encyclopedias. Because of their hunger for knowledge, exceptional kids accumulate and store information of all sorts. It isn’t uncommon for the parent of a gifted child to ponder a question, only for the youngster to spout the answer – probably while reading or taking something apart.

Readers, were you a gifted child? Do you know of someone who is? We’d love to hear your story!

Related Article: Researchers Reveal Children Inherit Their Intelligence From Their Mother, Not Their Father…

References:
http://www.rd.com/advice/parenting/gifted-children-genius/
https://www.nagc.org/resources-publications/resources/what-giftedness
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/gifted-kids/201105/is-your-child-gifted-what-look-and-why-you-should-know
(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

7 Reasons Antidepressants Don’t Work

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Taking antidepressants is a major step for a lot of people who suffer from depression. There’s a lot of stigma against people with depression, and even more so against those who seek medicinal intervention in the form of medication. Because of the stigma, those who seek medication to help their depression are often uninformed about what antidepressants actually do.

Sometimes, they find that they aren’t working the way that they thought they should. When the medication doesn’t work, many people with depression are left wondering what their next step is. If you’ve tried taking antidepressants to help with your symptoms of depression and found that they aren’t working, here’s what you need to know.

Here Are 7 Things You Should Know If Antidepressants don’t work for you

“In an ideal world I guess we wouldn’t get sick at all, but we have to settle for the fact that we do. Therefore, the next best scenario is we get sick, we get diagnosed, we get medicated, we get well.” – Jerry Kennard

1. Antidepressants do not always work

Dr. Jennifer Payne states, “We have a vague understanding of how antidepressants work, but that doesn’t mean we totally understand the pharmacology. I don’t think anyone can offer a complete biological explanation for why antidepressants stop working. But I will say this: There are [factors] that can influence someone to relapse.”

According to research, at least one-third of people who seek medication don’t find relief from their depression symptoms. This may be hard to hear, but sometimes medication just doesn’t work when it comes to finding relief from depression. But once you know that, you’ll be better equipped to find relief in other ways. Luckily, medication isn’t the end all be all of the treatments for depression.

antidepressants

2. Science is still learning, whether you like it or not

Just because the medication isn’t working for you now doesn’t mean that it’ll never work for you. Science is still learning and coming up with new theories every day. They continue to research antidepressants and why current medications don’t seem to be working for those who take it. There’s new research every day focused on the best ways to find therapeutic relief to those suffering from depression.

3. It may not be depression, rather something different altogether

Psychology and mental health are fields that are highly subjective in many ways. This means that even though you may be experiencing all the symptoms of depression, that doesn’t mean that’s what you have. Other disorders can, and often do, show up as symptoms of depression – such as bipolar disorder and personality disorders. Depression can often be a symptom of something else, which may be why people don’t respond to antidepressants.

4. Brains can adapt and learn to tolerate

According to this study, “Antidepressant tachyphylaxis describes a condition in which a depressed patient loses a previously effective antidepressant treatment response despite staying on the same drug and dosage for maintenance treatment.”

But what does this mean in layman’s terms?

What most antidepressants do is increase your serotonin levels, which help combat most of the symptoms of depression and help you find relief. Sometimes, our brains adapt to the medication in ways that make it less effective. If you’ve been on medication that seemed to help for a while but is no longer doing the trick, it might be that your brain has adapted to the medication. Some things might help this, such as an increased dose of the medication or a switch to a different type of antidepressant.

5. Therapy helps to reduce depression if antidepressants don’t help

Many people forgo therapy because they feel like it doesn’t help, but psychotherapy is a tried and true method that can help depressive symptoms. The thing about therapy, however, is that it takes time, effort, and dedication on the part of both the patient and the therapist. It can take years to achieve the full benefits of psychotherapy, but there are no possible side effects from therapy the way there are with medication. Before pursuing medical intervention, it’s important to seek out therapy as the first line of combating depression.

6. Make sure you get enough sleep

According to Dr. Lawrence J. Epstein, “People who have problems with sleep are at increased risk for developing emotional disorders, depression, and anxiety.” Therefore, when you first start your antidepressants, you want to make sure that you’re getting the recommended amount of sleep. Lack of sleep can cause instability in mood, and it can also affect how well your antidepressants are working. If you find that your antidepressants aren’t working as they should, make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Studies find that patients who are getting the right amount of sleep have increased responses to antidepressant therapy.

antidepressants

7. Know your options

Antidepressants come in such a wide range of different options that a lot of people don’t know what could work best for them. They may try one type of antidepressant and find that it doesn’t work, so they give up entirely. If you find that you’re not responding well to one type of antidepressant, make sure to ask your doctor what other options there are. Antidepressants come in two main types, and you may respond better to one or the other. You also may need to add non-antidepressants that can help those medications work better, like a thyroid hormone or fish oil.

According to the chief of clinical psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, Jonathan E. Alpert, MD, PhD, “The rate of what used to be called Prozac poop-out — the rate of relapse on an antidepressant — is about 30% over a one-year period.”

Depression is a serious mental illness that affects so many people. The stigma surrounding medication can make knowing how to deal with your depressive symptoms that much harder – and when the medication doesn’t work, you may be left wondering where to turn.

Thankfully, there’s so much about medication for depression that your doctor can help you understand. As long as you’re honest and thorough about how your depression is responding to the medication, your doctor will be able to help you find the right treatment for you – and who knows, the right treatment may not be medication at all!

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