They say that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince. But finding true love can be a bit tricky when a part of you draws the wrong kind of guy all the time. If you’re wondering why you’re always falling in love with the wrong man, you’re not alone. Many people get trapped in doomed relationships that aren’t always easy to break. And sometimes, the reason for this isn’t always because of the guy. Here are some reasons why women fall for the wrong men.
Here Are 7 Reasons Women Fall For The Wrong Men
“So many girls fall in love with the wrong guy, simply because the wrong guy usually says all the right things.” – Unknown
1. You believe that you can change your guy
Often, you fall in love with a man you think you can change. You believe that you can fix his flaws and improve his weaknesses. You hope to correct the issues that have been plaguing his life so your “broken guy” becomes the gem no one could see.
But having this heroine complex isn’t about being positive or optimistic. It’s actually quite naïve to believe that you can change a guy who’s already a grown adult. To be clear, this isn’t about changing your man’s annoying habits, lazy fashion sense, quirks, ticks or imperfections that make him human. It is about those behaviors that fill you with anxiety and agony.
- For instance, your partner is an alcoholic who becomes violently aggressive under the influence.
- During those times, you see him as someone “in pain” who might need more understanding and love from you.
- You tolerate what he’s doing because you believe that you’re the key to helping him deal with his personal demons.
What might be going on here is your refusal to acknowledge the reality that this guy is only hurting you. Perhaps you’ve been telling yourself that you can influence and affect his behavior so that he can improve. What this really means, however, is that your partner doesn’t align with the things you truly value, such as your dignity.
Realize that he won’t change unless he really wants to. If you think you’ve reached some point of progress in correcting his ways, it will not last. Why? Because your core values and his will always be in conflict. Eventually, this will take a toll on your relationship and may drain you emotionally, physically, and even financially.
2. You don’t have definitive relationship goals and high standards.
Ever since you grew up to understand the concept of romantic love, you’ve formed standards of what you want from a relationship. These ideals are usually influenced by your beliefs, values, and personal preferences. It also defines the limits or threshold that you know you cannot tolerate from a partner.
Yet why do you keep falling for the wrong man even with your standards? The answer might be very simple: you have not set up definitive relationship goals. Because you don’t have high standards, you end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
Most people don’t generally set up high standards when it comes to choosing a romantic partner. Understandably, if you set your relationship goals too high, you might not ever get to meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
For instance …
- A lot of women have a minimum requirement for their relationship standards because it is easier to bend and accommodate.
- For instance, you want to marry and have three kids to raise because that’s your ideal standard. But you fall in love with a guy who declares that he never wants kids.
- Because you love him, you choose to be flexible and forego your dreams for your partner’s sake.
- Sooner or later, however, you find yourself having a hard time shaking off the feeling that you wish you could have kids.
This conflict will give rise to other feelings like resentment, anger, sadness, and even depression. It might hurt to realize that you’ve fallen in love with the wrong man. The truth might be that you fell for the wrong guy because you did not set you the right standards for yourself.
Your relationship goals do not have to be a perfect, positive storybook romance. But you should know what you’re entitled to. You deserve to find a guy who will respect and care for the same things you value.
A study in the journal Personality and Social Psychology equates having high standards to relationship satisfaction. When you don’t want to settle, you give importance to your happiness, your self-esteem, and your personal growth. This, in turn, will attract the right types of men in your life.
3. You ignore your deal breakers
Along with setting up high standards, you also need to come up with concrete deal breakers. These are certain traits and characteristics you want to avoid in a man so that you don’t sabotage your future happiness. These criterions may narrow down your choices for a partner but it could at least filter the bad eggs from the good ones. It can save you a ton of headache and heartache.
Another study from the same behavioral journal listed the deal breakers that 6,500 male and female respondents have chosen. These include:
- bad grooming habits and an unclean look
- lacking in sense of humor
- lacking in self-confidence
- low drive for intimacy
- too gossipy or talkative
- smoking habit
This laundry list of characteristics might seem superficial but if you’re looking for a serious partner for a lifetime, the deal breakers should guide you away from falling for the wrong man. In a serious relationship, ignoring these deal breakers can become the source of incompatibilities and differences. It’s not surprising, therefore, to see that most relationships fall apart because the couples have irreconcilable differences.
Now, if you keep falling for the wrong type of man then it’s likely because you chose to ignore your deal breakers. You’ve seen the red flags but you find no reason to walk away from the relationship. You still choose to compromise with your man.
However, the more you allow the things you don’t actually like to continue, the more the relationship becomes toxic. Soon, the respect, trust, positiveness, and goodwill in your relationship will deteriorate.
4. You fear to be alone for the rest of your life
You’re scared of being labeled as “single” for the rest of your life. So, when a guy actually expresses his intention for you, even if you don’t feel the spark, you agree to be in a relationship with him just so you don’t up alone.
But you might realize too late that it’s a lot lonelier when you’re with the wrong person. You’re technically in a partnership but since there isn’t any spark, then the things you do together will not excite or stimulate you. You also don’t grow and improve as a person in this kind of a relationship.
A change in perspective and sense of self will perhaps help you avoid falling for the wrong man. If you appreciate how a single life can be a wonderful thing, then you won’t have any fear of being alone as you get older.
Being single can actually be quite empowering. You have the freedom to go on different dates, spend weekends holed up somewhere you like, and go on adventures without ever worrying about another person. Being single gives you a chance to find yourself and to understand that nothing is wrong with you. You can come to realize that you’re not in competition with anyone to get married right away.
Understand that the only person who can make you truly happy and satisfied with your life is yourself. While this might sound cliché, it actually makes the most sense especially if you think that being in a relationship with the wrong person is better than being alone.
5. You’re lacking in self-esteem and confidence
A lot of people have self-esteem issues so it’s a problem that’s not unique to you. Many people have insecurities and may think that they don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is great or who fits all the box in their checklist.
You might think that it’s human nature to short-change yourself. But the truth is, this is only applicable if you don’t have a strong sense of who you are. When you have low self-esteem and low confidence, it’s easy to fall for the wrong man. You might end up with someone who does not treat you well, or won’t shower you with the love and support you deserve. Additionally, he may not fulfill your needs.
If you’re a confident woman, you’ll notice all the red flags from this guy. You also won’t pin your hopes on your man changing his ways because you won’t wait for that to happen. Instead, you’ll easily sense that this guy could be waste of time. You call it quits before the relationship deepens because you already know how it will end.
6. You let others pressure and influence your relationships
Do you let others have a say in your relationships or the men you date? Sometimes, seeking the opinion from others about the man you are dating can be enlightening. Other times, however, it can be disruptive. It may put undue pressure on you because you value the trust and opinion of your friend more than what you really feel.
If you keep falling for the wrong men, perhaps it’s because you listen to others more than you listen to yourself. While it’s great to have friends and confidants you can count on when you need advice about love, ultimately, you’re the only one who is in charge of your destiny.
7. You have your own issues to work out
If you notice a pattern of similar behaviors in the men you are dating then perhaps it’s a reflection of deep-seated issues you need to work out in yourself. You may unconsciously reject better men and pick the wrong guy because of these psychological issues.