After any breakup, there are moments of insanity. You begin to question motives, events, and every conversation during the relationship. Toxic thoughts take over. Even through the most amicable breakup, emotions are still hurtful.
There are feelings of resentment, regrets, and anger. Some of us hibernate and deal with the breakups on our own, while others go out there and find a “replacement” for that ex. In the meantime, you are dealing with the negative committee in your mind. You are depressed, heartbroken, and second-guessing yourself.
Here are 5 things to never tell yourself after a breakup:
1. “I am too old.”
Age has nothing to do with relationships. The older we get, it does seem to be impossible to deal with the breakups. You want to settle into a healthy and loving relationship. But, telling yourself that you are too old for this nonsense is not a proactive way of dealing with the hurt. You can’t shun yourself from the rest of the world. Each relationship that comes into your life is an opportunity to learn about yourself. You get a chance to emotionally evolve. Wisdom comes with time, experience and the ability to put things into perspective.
2. “I am not worth it.”
Some relationships leave a trail of devastation behind. Others leave sweet memories that overlap with the hard times. You’re worth every beautiful moment you share with another. You do not have to put up with abuse. You do not have to entertain and own all the things your ex said to you through manipulation and anger. You’re worth the most incredible things in this world.
Sure, you can give yourself a pity party. You can be the king or queen of it, and once it’s out of your system, recognize that you attract that which you put out. You are worth a loving mate, meaningful, invaluable, and absolutely wonderful. The best and surest way to heal from a breakup is to provide self-love to you. Perhaps this person was the stepping stone to help you find your soulmate. He or she was preparing you for something better.
3. “He or she will regret it.”
You aren’t responsible for someone else’s feelings. You are only responsible for how you react. To keep wishing that your ex will hurt, or be in complete despair, is actually putting negative thoughts in overdrive. In order to heal, you have to let that person go. Stop obsessing over how your ex will function or what they are thinking. It’s counterproductive. You can’t move on while you are still holding on to pieces of that person. Never regret anything in life, because every experience teaches you something about you. It provides insight on the things you need and deserve. If someone was meant to be in your life, that person would still be in it.
4. “It was all my fault.”
Unless you have a time machine at your disposal, it’s really difficult to change the past. You cannot go back and keep reliving the arguments and the moments that led to a breakup. In a relationship, it takes two to tango. To put all the fault on yourself, unless you acted out with anger, cheated, or did something inconceivably immoral, isn’t fair. Sometimes, relationships break apart because two people have outgrown each other. Other times, it’s a matter of distance and space. While, yet, in some instances, it is about the lack of communication. Do not go instilling a martyr attitude. As adults, we are able to project how we feel onto others. This is not the time to take all the issues on yourself. Whether it is your fault or not, it’s irrelevant once it’s over.
5. “Were my standards too high?”
When we breakup, we start to contemplate and ask ourselves if things were really as bad as they felt at that moment. But, healthy-loving relationships don’t end after a small fight. They consist of two people compromising and reconciling after disagreements. Most relationships that are based on “just settling” aren’t long term affairs. Whenever you felt that sense of “something is wrong,” it was your intuition letting you know that things were not working. Asking yourself this question adds more devastation to an-already emotional state of mind. How about saying, “I deserve a loving-respectful mate.” You are not here to settle for anything on this earth, even in relationships. You are here to find that one person who brings out the very best in you.
Relationship expert from YourTango, Debi Berndt, explains about breakups:
“Breakups are a love wake-up call that show you what’s out of alignment with your relationship goals. As you are forced to see the rawness inside of you, you begin to take notice of the fears that were lurking just beneath the surface of your initial attraction.
When a person leaves your life, they aren’t “the one that got away,” and there is nothing you should regret. Even if you acted like the perfect woman (or man) and followed all of the rules, you were dealing with someone who only responded to your negative qualities instead of your positive ones. They were bound to go, in the same way other wrong partners were.”
Final Thoughts on Healing After a Breakup
Relationships help us learn our strengths, vulnerability, courage, value and ability to move past hardship. Each person who comes into your life is a mirror reflection of you. Once you step back and recognize that they are not responsible for your happiness, anymore than you for theirs, you can see how different things could be in the future. A breakup is an opportunity to find what works and what doesn’t for you. You do not have to beat yourself up. You get a chance to truly be prepared for that next great person. And then, you will be ready with an open heart.