Is it possible that your own behavior might be something that is keeping you from finding a relationship that works? Although you might think you are ready for love, there are some ways that we self-sabotage our own desires when it comes to relationships. Let’s look at 10 behaviors that keep you from finding a relationship that will work well for your needs.
10 Behaviors That Keep You From Finding A Relationship That Works
1. You’ve yet to heal from the hurt of your childhood
Psychologists call your adult relationship style your ‘attachment style’ and they say that the way you bond with a romantic partner is based on how you learned love as a child. If your childhood years were not happy ones, it takes a lot of healing before you can find a relationship that works.
Psychologists at Texas A&M University who looked at 144 dating couples found that those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles had more negative emotions and fewer positive emotions in their relationships. The partners with secure attachment styles were the ones who had the most positive emotions and the least negative emotions during their relationships.
2. You apply the deal breaker rule to every date
Man Hands, Close Talker, and the Double Dip were all reasons that characters on the TV show Seinfeld had to dump their dates. If you give your dates deal-breaker status based on their negative behavior, that is totally unfair. Sure, we all have deal breakers that will just get under our skin so we know to avoid those types of people, but you’re not perfect either. Labeling your partner’s negative behavior while ignoring their positive traits is not giving them a fair deal. It’s possible that this is one behavior that is keeping you from finding a relationship that works. Try focusing on the positive aspects of your next partner.
3. Your standards are too high
You are looking for the never-married lawyer in his 40’s who graduated from Yale and has a mansion, convertible, and perfect abs? Looking for someone who is either out of your league or who would have no reason to find value in you as a partner is one possible reason you haven’t found a relationship that works.
4. Love has made you jaded
You are stuck in the negativity, regret, and resentment about your past relationships, which is keeping you from finding a relationship that works. Who wants to be with someone who is only focused on the negative? No one you should want to be with, that’s for sure. Try to find the lesson from these past loves, let go, grow, and open yourself up to only positives.
5. Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is one possible trait that keeps you from finding a relationship that works. It’s hard to love someone else fully until you can say the same about your relationship with yourself. Let’s focus on you for a while and then look for romance.
6. You’re afraid of what would happen if you did find the right person
Fear is not uncommon for those who are single, and in this case it’s the fear of finding a relationship that works. Sometimes you fear losing your freedom, or losing the potential for another romantic partner who could be even better and who might come along when you aren’t available. Sometimes, it is a fear of success that keeps you from true love.
7. You’re pursuing someone who isn’t single
Maybe he or she will leave their spouse, but in the meantime, you’re tying yourself up with someone who isn’t available, which means you are also not available to find someone who is looking for you.
8. You think you have to give up who you are to be in a relationship
You should never have to sacrifice your personality for a romantic partner, so resolve to never let that happen and be ready for the possibility of a love where you can still be yourself AND be in a relationship that works.
9. You keep repeating the same pattern in relationships
Similarly to your attachment style, if you are repeating old patterns of unhealthy relationship behavior, you may have some personal growth to do before you can be in a relationship that really works. Living in the past just will not work for you in a relationship. Your partner wants you to live in the here and now with them, and if you can’t let go of old, negative habits that don’t serve you, you can’t have a healthy relationship.
Researchers at the University of Rochester and the University of Georgia looked at mindfulness and relationship satisfaction and found that ‘greater practice of mindfulness on a given day predicted improved relationship happiness, stress coping efficacy, and lower relationship-specific and overall stress.’ Letting go of the past, and avoiding worrying about the future, keeps you mindful and aware of the joy that is found in each moment with your romantic partner, and that is a great way to have an emotionally healthy relationship that works well for both of you.
10. You find it hard to trust
We get it; putting yourself out there to potentially be hurt can be emotionally scary, but you have to take a risk if you want the big payoff. It’s better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.
In order to have a deep love, you first must have trust, because that vulnerability to being hurt is a requirement of love. Otherwise, you are just sharing a closed heart with someone, which will keep you from finding a relationship that works.