Most people cling to the idea of soulmates. That is to say, people who believe in soulmates believe that they only have one true love. However, research shows that this is actually a disempowering way to think about love. It also leaves a person perpetually longing for someone to come along and complete him/ her. The truth is becoming a whole, self-actualized person gives you a better chance of attracting the right person.
If you are one of those people who consider yourself unlucky in love and who may be wondering why it’s so difficult to attract a soulmate, continue reading. You may just decide that saving yourself for that one person may pale in comparison to becoming the person you were always meant to be.
Here’s why you should be your own soulmate instead of looking for one:
1. Mission Impossible: Attract Soulmate
Before you embark on your journey to self, you must first know the reasons why you should forego finding your one true love, at least for now. If you believe in destiny, that is to say, you believe that it’s possible to attract a soulmate, you have less of a chance of actually finding lasting, fulfilling love.
The article points out that if you believe that your love has been fated, then you’re going to believe that any trouble your relationship encounters means that it’s the wrong relationship. In theory, you could go through relationship after relationship, constantly looking for the perfect relationship but never finding it. And you won’t because it doesn’t exist.
If instead, you approach relationships as if they’re a journey, then you stand a better chance of having a successful, long-lasting relationship. These relationships tend to last longer because the goal isn’t to have a perfect relationship or to find a soulmate but rather to experience a relationship that has the potential to make you grow.
2. Preventing Codependency
As Bustle points out, people who cannot be on their own tend to attract codependent relationships. The goal for these relationships is to keep the relationship together, rather than forming a relationship that promotes growth for both people in the relationship. If “attract soulmate at all costs” is truly your mission, you will be paying for a bad relationship for a long time.
Becoming codependent can happen anytime. However, there are some instances that can make you even more prone to fall into the codependency trap. If you have no friends outside of the relationship or if you’re on the rebound, you’re probably not going to make the best relationship decisions. In both cases, you’re looking for someone to fill a need in you that you should be filling yourself.
Additionally, sometimes it’s good to learn to romance yourself. Simple acts, like taking yourself to lunch or allowing yourself to wander around your favorite bookstore, change your mindset. According to an article on The Bolde, falling in love with yourself and romancing yourself helps you set the right expectations for future relationships: You show your subconscious mind how you expect someone else to treat you before you get into a relationship. If you do this, high expectations for how you want to be treated will come more automatically.
3. Learn What You Like
Very often people believe they know what they want in a relationship but they really don’t. This speaks to the codependency issue. However, it goes beyond codependency. If you have no sense of self and what you bring to a relationship, how can you know what you want a partner to give you?
Additionally, you may not know what you want from life in general. This will have repercussions on your relationship as well. When you know what’s important to you, you spend your time pursuing that passion. You take classes, meet up with like-minded people, etc. When you don’t know what fulfills you, you look to the person you’re with to fill that hole. But what happens when you discover that the thing you thought was your passion isn’t? You now have a relationship with a person who believes you are someone you are not. That kind of relationship rarely ends well.
Searching for your soulmate can be a losing proposition. It’s not that you’ll never find a satisfying relationship. It’s just that when you do, you may ultimately end up being disappointed because people who look for a soulmate tend to have unrealistic relationship expectations. It’s better to approach a relationship like it’s a journey.
Moreover, it’s not possible to have a healthy relationship if you’re not comfortable being single first. People who can’t be alone tend to attract codependent relationships. Instead of looking for a relationship, practice developing yourself. This teaches you what you want from a relationship, which puts you in a better position to actually have a good relationship when you finally have one.