The end of a romantic relationship is an emotionally painful experience. There is real grief associated with it. You may feel like you’ll never get past the hurt. No doubt, it’s challenging to move forward, but it is possible to spring back from heartache. Consider these fifteen behaviors that will help increase your resiliency after a breakup.
You may never totally understand why your romantic relationship ended, but several everyday things can contribute to a breakup.
- Different goals: This may be the most common reason for the breakup. You and your partner didn’t have the same goals-marriage, career, kids, personal growth, etc. If you struggled to support one another and couldn’t accept one another’s goals, then the relationship had no future.
- Personal changes: Many times, people change in a relationship. Perhaps they had a new experience, and you can’t understand why they’re so excited about it. One such example is finding faith. One partner starts believing in God in a new way, and the other person can’t accept or support their new values about faith. This experience puts a wedge between your relationship and makes it hard to go forward.
- Lack of communication: Frequent or hurtful conflicts that don’t get worked out properly can damage a relationship. If you aren’t communicating honestly about your feelings, you will begin to feel alone. Not listening to one another and making communication a priority will cause a rift.
- Loss of trust: Of course, if your partner is unfaithful, you will lose your ability to trust them. It’s hurtful when you find out someone is cheating on you. Besides that, it violates the boundaries of your relationship. It’s possible to recover only if the partner who cheated is humble and admits their wrong. But it will take work to fix the damage already done.
15 Behaviors to Help Increase Resiliency Post-Breakup
How can you become self-resilient and rebound? Try adopting these behaviors to become more resilient.
After your breakup, you may want to keep your friendship, but avoid old habit patterns that could lead you somewhere you don’t want to go. Leaning your head on their shoulders or long hugs could lead to a confusing crisis that ends up in more heartbreak. If you’re going to be friends, then act like friends and maintain the physical separation. You should consider any additional contact beyond that to be non-resilient.
2 – Avoid a rebound relationship to be self-resilient
A rebound relationship is a relationship that gets formed too soon after you have a breakup. You’ve probably seen someone who ended up in a rebound relationship and knew it would not work. If you’ve recently broken up with someone, it’s perhaps too soon to head into another romantic relationship. Rebound relationships rarely last because you’re still healing and apt to bring baggage into the new relationship. When you’re hurting from a breakup, avoid a rebound relationship. Take time to heal before you start another romantic relationship.
3 – What can you learn?
Recognize what happened and figure out what you can learn from the breakup. The breakup is a cathartic experience where you can step back and view things more clearly than you did when you were in the relationship. Maybe there were things about your partner you weren’t willing to admit. Or maybe there was a dynamic about your relationship that wasn’t healthy, but you didn’t see it till now. As you step back, take a deep breath. Then take a self-evaluation of what is to be learned from this unfortunate situation and become a better person.
4 – Practice gratitude
Right now, it’s easy to focus on the brokenness in your life. Keeping a daily gratitude list can help you get perspective. Keep a running list of what is going right in everything you can think of. Be as specific as possible. Or you can approach your gratitude list backward and write what’s not happening, and that’s good. See the good as gifts to you. Don’t allow the breakup to steal your appreciation for all that’s good in your life.
5 – Practice generosity
You may not feel like it, but reaching out to someone else can be healing and help you get the focus off yourself. How can you practice generosity? There are many ways, including the following:
- Spend time with an elderly relative
- Volunteer at a school or hospital
- Show kindness to those around you at work or school
- Pay for someone’s lunch
- Buy flowers for a friend
6 – Block their posts (connecting on social media is a non-resilient behavior)
If you’re an avid social media follower, resist the urge to check up on what your ex-partner is doing. Seeing their posts will only make you sad. The best strategy is to block them entirely on every social media site. Researchers found that after a breakup, social media sites make it hard to stay separated from a romantic partner. Having contact through social media adds emotional stress and an unhealthy connection to the person. Blocking your ex-partner is a drastic move, but it’s the only way you can stop seeing any posts that will hurt you.
7 – Do things you love to bolster resiliency
Breakups are good times to re-evaluate your life and what you love to do. Maybe when you were in the relationship, you spent less time doing things you love to do. Did you stop crocheting or reading the books you love? It’s time to bring these things back into your life and enjoy them again.
After a breakup, you need to rebuild your self-confidence. Think of goals you want to accomplish in your life, such as traveling, going back to school, or starting a new career. Take it a step at a time. You don’t need to change anything in your life, but if you have aspirations, at least consider them. You have a clean slate, so enjoy the season of rebuilding.
9 – Take care of yourself to increase self-resiliance
You may feel like not getting out of bed, but it’s essential to do it to begin to take care of yourself and boost your resilience after your breakup. Focus on self-care, both physically and mentally. Establish a daily routine of getting up, preparing for your day, and getting out of the house. Eat healthy foods, go for a walk or go to the gym. At first, your heart won’t be into doing these things, but you’ll begin to feel more robust over time, and your mood will improve, so you’re feeling more positive.
10 – Spend time with your friends and family
When you were in your romantic relationship, you may have neglected some of your friends and family. Make amends and reconnect with these people that are so important to you. Eat meals with them, go on walks together or have a cup of coffee together. Catch up on what they’ve been doing. You don’t need to share all the details of your breakup, but give them headlines, so they know what’s going on with you.
11 – Take accountability and change your behavior
It may be a good time to reflect on any unhealthy patterns you have in your life regarding relationships. Did you contribute to the brokenness of the relationship? What could you do differently next time? Was this relationship similar to another one you had in the past? Is that a pattern for you? This time allows you time to step back and reflect. If you have a trusted friend, talk with them about your reflections.
12 – Manage your stress and anxiety
If you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress, it’s essential to manage it so you don’t end up making things worse for yourself. Don’t look to alcohol or drugs to numb your feelings. Studies show that a stressful event like a romantic breakup can lead to depression. If you feel like you’re battling depression, get some help from a counselor or your pastor. Remember, you’re not alone. These people receive professional training to help you work through this painful time in your life.
13 – Don’t be a victim
Being a victim makes you feel helpless. This situation leads to feelings of shame and guilt. Take responsibility for your contribution to the failure of the relationship, but don’t go beyond that. Other signs that you’re giving in to a victim mentality include the following:
- Negative self talk
- Bitterness, anger, or frustration
- Loss of self-confidence
- Blaming another person for everything
- Giving up
14 – Don’t carry the relationship baggage to your next relationship
Be sure to give yourself plenty of time to cultivate resiliency after a breakup. Do the hard work it takes to learn any lesson, do some self-evaluation, and understand your contribution. If you don’t do these things, you may end up bringing some of the same issues into your next relationship.
15 – Get support from trusted friends and family
Remember, you’re not alone. There are friends and family who love you and care for you. When you’re feeling sad, resist the urge to be by yourself and feel sad. Instead, reach out to your loved ones for support. They want to share your pain and help you find healing. Allow them to help you and give you the big hugs you need right now.
Whatever the reason for your breakup, it’s a painful experience. As you push past the pain and begin to understand how to cope, remember you can get through this. Hopefully, these suggestions will help boost your sense of resiliency so you can get back to your happy life.