Relationships take work. They require nurturing, love, and appreciation. No one wants to feel they are taken for granted, betrayed or misunderstood.
It takes more than friendship and commitment. Love requires the presence of trust and respect. Falling in love is easy. The difficult part is remaining in love, and committing to your partner forever.
Here are 10 reasons people fall out of love:
1. Lack of communication.
When you start a new relationship there is an abundance of sharing. Couples talk about anything and everything as they get to know each other. They fall in love with those parts that relate to one another. Unfortunately, as time goes on, communication withers. For over 40 years the psychologist Professor John Gottman has been analyzing relationships. He says that there are 4 ways that communication is affected: criticism, contempt (sarcasm and name-calling), defensiveness, and stonewalling (the silent treatment which is caused by the other three). In the comfort of knowing your partner, there is the discomfort of not wanting to ask again, or say the same thing again, as not to upset them. Communication shuts down because there is no effective way to sit and discuss issues in a healthy manner.
2. Feeling invisible.
After long periods of time, couples begin to take each other for granted. There is a feeling of merely existing in the relationship. Making love becomes the thing of the past. You stop touching and complimenting each other. You stop looking at one another. You begin to act like roommates rather than lovers. Love grows cold. It’s not a good idea to blame your partner for all the relationship problems. Sometimes we need distance in order to recognize how important our partner really is and retrace what made us sparkle in the first place. But it takes work.
3. Magnifying insecurities.
When the “in love” part vanishes, the truth of who we are starts to play. We begin to feed off each others’ insecurities. Jealousy starts to play a role in the relationship. Because we feel invisible, we begin to notice that our partner starts to behave differently with others. It’s not that he or she is cheating. It’s that we want to feel like we used to in the beginning. His insecurities are passed on to you. Her own issues began to play a huge role in how he reacts. It’s a constant battle of self worth and acceptance. The best way to move past this is to discuss the issues without blame or criticism.
4. Boredom sets in.
April Masini, the relationship author of Romantic Date Ideas, says: “Over time, people can change — or more often, they become who they really are. Someone who loved his steady business career may suddenly realize he always wanted to be a stand-up comedian and throw caution to the wind to chase his dreams. The kind of change that leads to love lost is always about a buried desire to be someone that’s repressed inside. It’s important to really know your partner to avoid this lost-love syndrome.” A way to avoid this is to be open and accept your partner’s choices in what makes him/her happy. Changes are suppose to happen in relationships. You must go with the flow, otherwise boredom will extinguish the flame that was once the reason you fell in love.
5. Attraction is gone.
What kills attraction? The inability to have fun. You fall in a rut and can’t get out of it. You stop going out on date nights, or doing special things for your significant other. Most times it has nothing to do with physical appearance but the things that go unsaid or undone. You fell in love with that person for many reasons. It’s about revisiting those parts of the relationship. Attraction is ignited through appreciation and compassion.
6. Holding on to grudges.
Nothing is worst that holding on to past resentments and grudges. The quote “forgive and forget” does not play well when we are still reclaiming hurtful situations, bringing them up constantly, and throwing them out there. It’s hard to move on when you are still keeping tabs on what your partner has done. Neither of you can possibly move on. Either let the past go or simply move on. Neither of you can live a healthy relationship when reliving pain.
Cheating and other secrets destroy relationships. And it’s not just infidelity that destroys trust, it’s the things that are purposely withheld. It could be that your partner is keeping another bank account, or doing drugs, or has actually lost his/her job. Not sharing is the same as lying. It diminishes all credibility in a relationship. Communication is the start of unraveling all those things.
8. No one wants to compromise.
There is a point in every relationship that egos begin to dictate. You stop caring about the other person’s feelings and you want what you want, when you want it. Even through arguments, and discussions no one wants to compromise. This begins to show the lack of respect and love. You cannot love another without the give and take. You cannot get back to peace without compromising.
9. The fairy tale is over.
You got married believing that this person was your prince or your princess. You believed that you had found your happily-ever-after. Unfortunately, what they don’t share in those children stories is that after the love comes the payments on the castle, the tending to the land, and all the other problems that arrived. You met someone and he was exactly who he was. You created an idea of that person, and after some time the love potion wore off and you began to deal with the reality. As couples begin to know each other better they realize that they are incompatible.
It’s a matter of sharing those things with each other and learning to be individuals who can have separate interests, friends, and hobbies. Co-dependency is never a reason to remain in a relationship.
10. The love wasn’t really love.
Sometimes we mistake lust for love. What we thought was passion and true acceptance was the effects of lust. If a relationship started out from an affair, or on rebound, you are more likely to mistake the desires and wants as true love. Love is timeless. Its not to say that relationships don’t go through rough stages. Parenthood is brutal in any relationship. People also go through difficult life changes: illnesses, financial strains, and other life alterations. But, when you are in a loving relationship there is still a commitment and a choice “for better or for worse.” Lust diminishes when all the responsibility starts to take over.
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Relationships are never perfect. There is help out there through support groups, therapist and friends. Remember why you fell in love with this person. Recall all the times he/she brought you joy. Focus on that and try to find a happy medium for the both of you.