Insecurity doesn’t always manifest itself through just feeling insecure. When you are in a relationship with another person, you become vulnerable, and that feeling of vulnerability can create behaviors that sabotage your relationship.

It is not always intentional but rather an automatic defense system to protect you from getting hurt. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that these behaviors revealing insecurity are taking place until it’s too late.

Here are 5 signs that insecurity is hurting your relationships:


1 – You Need to Be In Control

The need to control comes from a place of fear, the fear of not getting what we want. We want to control so we can create the outcomes we desire.

You may think being in control comes from a place of strength, but it can destroy marriages, friendships and other relationships that matter most to you.

When you are trying to control things, you might find yourself thinking in terms of formulas, “If I do this, then that will happen.” There is no right formula for a successful partnership.

It is impossible to predict how a relationship will unfold because the nature of the relationship will change as you and your partner grow.

If you are trying to plan your outcomes, you are not living in the relationship. You are focusing on the outcome, not the person. Stop trying to fill in the blanks and start enjoying the moments. That is where the real magic lies

2 – You Are Jealous

It is impossible to go through life without suffering a broken heart at some point. It is these painful memories that are at the core of jealous behaviors. When you exhibit jealousy, you are displaying a lack of trust in your partners.

Insecurity in a relationship is an attempt to eliminate threats to the relationship. And jealousy is all about being fearful of what might happen. It is impossible for someone to prove they won’t hurt you and spending time waiting for that assurance will cause your relationship to deteriorate.

Strong relationships thrive in an environment that fosters encouragement, growth, and individuality. Stop trying to eliminate threats and start creating a place where you both have the freedom to be your true selves.

3 – You Are Defensive

Defensiveness is a natural mechanism designed to protect ourselves from criticism, judgment and the appearance of failure. Typical defensive responses are negative in nature and sometimes can even get hostile.

At one time or another, you have probably vowed to be less defensive. You’ve gone into a discussion with every intention of having a respectful conversation only to find yourself on the defensive and not listening to the other side. You want to do better, but it’s hard.

Well, according to a recent study on defensiveness, some simple self-affirmations before you enter into discussion might be the key. Before you begin a conversation that may put you on the defensive, start reminding yourself of your good qualities.

It also works in reverse. If you know someone who gets defensive, start the conversation by sharing some of the qualities that you appreciate with them.

4 – You Are Arrogant

How do you know when you have crossed the line from confident to arrogant? Confidence welcomes differing opinions; arrogance comes from a belief of being right. A confident person lives the example; an arrogant person preaches the example. Confidence is knowing being wrong is okay and will admit to mistakes.

Being arrogant can severely impact a relationship because if you are trying to prove you are right, then you are automatically working against your partner by trying to prove them wrong.

Building confidence takes time and effort. Start by being interested in what other people are thinking. Have consideration for other points of view, be willing to learn from those around you and develop respect by getting to know what is behind their opinions.


5 – You Are a People Pleaser

People-pleasers want everyone around them to be happy, and more importantly, they want to be liked. Their time is spent seeking outside approval and validation by saying yes to favors that might not be in their best interest.

People-pleasing makes you feel important and good about yourself, but the insecurity around the “need to be liked” can damage a relationship. When you are busy seeking outside validation, you aren’t working on the relationships that matter most. Instead, you are building an arsenal of superficial relationships that serve your insecurity.

Make sure you know what your priorities are and what is important to you. Make sure you are doing things for the right reasons and make sure they support and serve not only you but the people that matter most in your life.

Be okay with the fact that insecurity will creep up from time to time. It is important to understand it and recognize it before it gets out of control and ends up hurting those you love.

Join the discussion: Have you overcome insecurity in your own relationship? Share your story to help others!