Finding your soulmate is an incredibly difficult or easy process, depending on how you go about it. For some people, the journey can be stressful and heartwrenching throughout and, for others, it can be easy and warm and enjoyable throughout. Your journey depends solely on your attitude and how you choose to go about interacting with the world around you.
If you have not found your partner for life yet or you think you have found them but you are not sure, then have a look at our guides below. One or more of these may apply to you. Fear not! This is not meant to be judgmental at all. It is meant to be a very private mirror reflected back at you. If you see any of these features within yourself, then you may find that your soulmate is nearby but waiting on the other side of an internal transformation of yours.
Take a deep breath, have a sip of your favorite drink, and let’s get down to business…
1. You are Not Psychologically Ready to be Together with Someone
Problem: You may not want to be lonely, anymore, but you may also not be ready to be with someone. Is this really possible? Can someone actually be stuck in this in-between space? Yes, you can. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), when you feel lonely or in doubt, it weakens you further and it creates a feedback loop. This means that loneliness can actually lead to more loneliness. What can you do?
Solution: The solution is a simple one. Start becoming more interactive with your community at large, rather than trying to jump into relationships right away. Going from being alone entirely to being in a happy, healthy relationship means is a huge step. Do not take this transition lightly.
First, connect with your favorite hobbies and the people who engage in those hobbies. Your soulmate will want someone grounded. If you have a church, attend it more regularly and participate in singles groups (or even singles therapy to keep your perspective up). Go to the gym and say Hi to everyone. Fill your life with activities that are out among the general populace.
Second, practice all of your friendships. If you don’t have healthy friendships, make new ones. Whatever the case, practice having non-sexual, non-romantic interactions with other people. This will increase your perspective and keep you from going too deep, too fast with a romantic partner. A real soulmate will want someone who goes slowly with them, at first. Love that lasts actually involves large, light layers, not heavy, deep ones.
2. You Haven’t Weeded Out Insidious Personal Faults of Yours
Problem: It is easy to know that there is something underdeveloped (or outright wrong) with you but it is much harder to form an actionable plan which allows you the freedom to go about your life and still work on slicing away major negative mountains within yourself. These kinds of major problems can seem overwhelming to someone who just wants to get on with their life.
Solution: First, recognize that the problem is fixable and that steady slicing will, indeed, eliminate this majorly negative attribute of yourself. Work on one little behavior problem at a time. Don’t force it or allow it to be too much, too soon.
Secondly, if it is a matter of you being underdeveloped, understand that you can develop skills in this area quite quickly. Do one small thing in this area a week. Practice that one step over and over, until you have developed confidence. Then, as each step progresses, start to combine them together. This will create incredibly fast momentum in this underdeveloped area of your life.
Remember, all problems are solvable and all major internal issues are fixable. Your soulmate will be proud of your progress whether or not they know you at the time of your little changes of self-correction. This pride in your accomplishments will encourage you to keep moving forward.
3. You Keep False Pictures of Your Soulmate in Your Head
Problem: It is easy to form a single image (or a collection of images) in your head about who you want and why you want them. However, this should be heavily tempered with real people you know and real attributes about them that you admire. Why must you do this? Your internal visions can actually filter out possible candidates who would be perfect for you if they don’t match these necessary attributes in your head.
Solution: Sit down with your favorite cup of hot chocolate, coffee or tea and make a chart. List all of the things you tend to dream about when you imagine your soulmate in your head. Don’t list what you think you look for. List what you actually look for by doing a side-by-side comparison of traits with what you have imagined in your head. The figments of your imagination reveal far more about than whatever logical choice your brain has come up with.
Now, think about your emotional state only. According to Dr. Jeremy Dean, we all want to do more with ourselves and we tend to pick people who we believe will help us achieve these things. You may think this should involve family and work life. However, it should involve your emotional state. What makes you feel good and safe and in control? What personal attributes of people help you feel this way? Now, start looking around you to find the people in your life that make you feel that way.
4. You Don’t Allow Life to Happen to You, in Return
Problem: Sometimes, if our lives are going particularly well and feel particularly under our control, we can take let fear take over. For example, if your world is not normally stable but now it has been stable for a few days or weeks at a time, you may feel that exercising more control over your world will make your stability last longer. With regard to money, finances, career, and health, this is true. However, when this added level of control is turned toward your relationships with other human beings, it quickly creates problems.
Solution: This is a quick solution. First, form a space in your mind of all the things which you have complete control over (which do not involve other human beings). These will be things which are closer to you and your internal worlds, such as your personal health, your banking and finances, your job skills, and the way you react to other people.
Second, list all of the things over which you have either no control or, at most, only 50 percent of control. This includes coworkers, family members, friends of all types, your soulmate, and interactions which heavily depend on more than one person. Yes, your partner in life is also nowhere near under your control. Simply accepting this fact goes a long way toward keeping your expectations realistic and grounded in real human interactions. Life is now able to happen to you, too, rather than you only ever happening to your life. You allow people to change you and affect you just as you do them.
Speaking of people affecting each other…
5. You Have Forgotten Realistic Personal Dialogue
Problem: Sometimes, it is difficult to keep track of what is normal, healthy conversation between people. This is particularly true if you have an abusive boss, past, or verbal habits. Particular care must be taken to ensure that other people feel comfortable and “normal” around you and that your positive outlook on life teach them rather than their negative outlook teaching you. According to James and Suzie Pawelski, we often need to have “hope and a bright future” planned ahead of us to even notice the positive speech of others.
Solution: Go to an outdoor cafe and sit down near a large group of people talking. Sit by yourself and be very quiet, enjoying your food and listening to their interaction. Chances are, they are laughing and having fun. This kind of normal interaction shows you what realistic personal dialogue looks like. You should be able to talk this way all the time with your soulmate, using this much comfort and ease.
If you find yourself dropping into heavier, deeper or more disturbing subjects when you are with your partner or even just out on a date with a good friend, you are probably not exercising the correct level of depth in your normal conversation. Heavy, deep topics are for occasional use and negative topics should have a positive end in mind as soon as they are broached. Keep it light and casual and allow yourself to float up to these lighter, easier areas of life.
Final Thoughts on Soulmates