By now, you’ve heard or experienced life with a narcissist. These manipulative people tend to use others for personal gain, and they will stoop to unscrupulous levels to get their way. However, have you heard of the kind narcissist?
Perhaps, this person is one of the most dangerous, as they come across as a genuinely lovely person. They appear trustworthy, friendly, and lack the traits of the traditional narcissist. Beware of this fake person, as they’re as dangerous as a viper.
They’re just as toxic and controlling as any other narcissist. The difference is that they’re so clever and charming that they will sweep you off your feet before you know what hit you. Do you know how to spot the differences between the two types of manipulators?
Exposing the Facade of the “Kind” Narcissist
The issue is that kind narcissist sees themselves as genuinely a good person, according to an article published by Tonya Lester LCSW on Psychology Today. They don’t see anything wrong with their behavior, and they have a steady job, a good nature, and are often quite popular. Whereas the traditional narcissist lacks friends due to burnt bridges, this person has many friends, or so it appears.
When does the trouble come into play? Well, anytime you ask them to do something that means they have to step outside their comfort zone, you will see the viper inside rear its ugly head. Their attitude of entitlement means that though they’re friendly, they won’t take your feelings into account.
This treatment can cause you a great deal of pain and suffering. It’s the same type of selfish behavior you see in a traditional narcissist, but this person hides behind a smiling face and a kind façade. You need to be on guard for this type of person, as you don’t need them as a friend or lover.
Red Flags of the Kind Narcissist
Whether you’re dating or have a new friend that you love spending time with, you need to watch for the signs that you might be dealing with a narcissist. These people are very charming and manipulative, so you need to be on guard. Here are some classic signs that you’ve found a kind narcissist.
1. A Kind Narcissist Will Refuse To Do Their Share of Chores
When you’re in a relationship with this person, you may be cooking dinner, tending to the baby, and trying to clean, all while they’re relaxing and playing video games. They find the easiest way to get out of doing anything that means work. They’re perfectly content to watch you do everything and see your frustration levels rise, but don’t expect them to jump in and try to help you.
2. Can’t Stop Thinking About Their End of the Deal
No matter how many times you explain something to them, they can’t stop thinking about themselves in the issue. For instance, if you’re looking at a home across town that will put the children in better schools and you’ll have a better house, they can’t get over the extra 15 minutes they will need to drive to work.
Most parents wouldn’t think twice about a measly 15 minutes to better their family. However, a narcissist views this as putting themselves out, and they’re so self-centered that they think of only their needs and wants.
3. A Kind Narcissist Says All the Right Things
Remember that narcissists are some of the fakest people you will ever encounter. When they’re trying to get you to go on a date or develop a friendship with you, they will do and say whatever it takes. While the words flow like honey out of their mouth, they have no follow-through.
Even the kind narcissist is known for their enate lying abilities. They will do whatever it takes to seal the deal, but don’t count on much after you’ve committed.
4. Their Obligations Take Precedence Over Yours
Their needs come first, always. Assume you have one vehicle and both of you have somewhere to be. In their mind, their needs are always more important than what you need.
It’s an open and shut case for them because they see themselves as the superior person. You will always be a second-class citizen to them, so with your low ranking, you’re always on the losing end.
5. Resists Any Real Contribution to the Family
You received a huge utility bill this month, and your spouse could volunteer to work overtime and manage this problem. However, they don’t see it as an issue that should fall on their shoulders. Instead, they would let you struggle, worry, and try to come up with the money rather than for them to take care of it.
See, working overtime will put them out, and it will cut into their time for social media, video games, and hanging out with friends. So, they would rather not make any extra effort, even if it comforted you.
6. The Kind Narcissist Often Retracts into Their “Shell” To Avoid Work
When extra work needs handling, they’re like a turtle that goes into their shell to hide. Assume that your car needed to be washed and detailed as you went down a muddy, gravel road. You prepared all the stuff, and you began washing the vehicle.
They emerge from their shell once the work is all done, and they usually say something like, “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do that, and I could have helped?” They always show up once everything’s done, and they try to turn it around as your fault for not telling them.
7. Refuses Social Gatherings That Are Important to You – Not Them
Your family wants everyone to come over for Sunday dinner, and all your siblings will be there. Your partner refuses to go because that’s their day of rest, and they don’t want to do anything. They know how important this dinner and family time is to you, not to mention that it will be a hassle to explain their absence.
Sadly, the kind narcissist would rather take care of number one first, and they don’t care how much this inconveniences you.
8. They Don’t Do Well with Long-Term Romantic Partnerships
The kind narcissist can only keep up their ruse for so long. They do better in short-term relationships rather than long-term ones. When things get too serious, children come into the union, and the responsibilities mount, you will see more of their classic borderline-type personality come shining through the mask.
There’s a direct correlation between people who have narcissism and those who have BPD. According to an article on Psychology Today, around forty percent of those who have NPD also have BPD. For years BPD has been notated as one of the most challenging mental health conditions to treat, and you may be dealing with a personality issue that’s just impossible.
9. Spends Money on Their Needs and Ignores Yours
There’s no money to buy a new computer, as yours keeps crashing and having significant issues. It would help if you had a good computer for work, and it’s making your days longer messing with an outdated one. Your partner told you there was no money for such a purchase, even though it helps maintain your household.
However, the next week, they didn’t think twice to buy themselves the newest cell phone, which cost over $1,500. They didn’t need a new cell phone, but it’s another example that their wants and needs always trump yours.
10. At Work, The Kind Narcissist Might Allow Colleagues to Pick Up Their Slack
Working with this person can be a real challenge, as they’re lazy. They depend on their coworkers to pick up their slack, which can cause real issues. Don’t ever put them on a team and expect them to shine, as they will do nothing and still take the praise for the job.
People soon see their true colors. While they’re personable and make friends, it’s not long before their selfish ways come to the forefront. This person doesn’t typically develop tenure with any company, as their coworkers quickly become very frustrated with them.
Final Thoughts on the “Kind” Narcissist
They say that all is fair in love and war, but whoever made this statement wasn’t dealing with a narcissist. These people don’t genuinely set out to hurt others, and it’s just that they’re so broken inside that they can’t see past their hurts. In many instances, you will find that even the kind narcissist has some trauma in their past that’s made them act this way.
One of the reasons that many of these people put their needs and wants ahead of everyone else is because they suffered neglect, abuse, or other issues in childhood. They feel they can control the situation now, ensuring they take care of their needs first. While it’s an explanation for their behavior, it’s certainly no excuse.
It’s impossible to live with a narcissist, even if they’re the kind variety. People in today’s world move very quickly when it comes to relationships. Since there are those with NPD and BPD out there in the sea of humanity, it’s better to take your time, date for an extended period, and get to know the person.
You could save yourself a lot of heartaches if you give things time and let their true color shine through. If there’s a personality disorder such as this under the surface, it won’t be long before it comes out. Don’t waste your time on fake people when there’s someone out there that will truly love you.