“Discussions are an exchange of knowledge; arguments an exchange of ignorance.” – Robert Quillen
Every couple has arguments. it’s almost impossible to spend a majority of your time with another person and not find something to argue about.
Do successful couples argue too?
Director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montrea, psychotherapist Vikki Stark says that although all couples argue as far as successful couples are concerned, “instead of attacking the other person’s character, happy couples color inside the lines and express their own feelings…”
After all, relationships are comprised of two different people with their own thoughts, feelings, values and opinions. Fortunately, there are ways to avoid having these types of arguments. It might not always work, but learning how to avoid them will give you more tools in your arsenal to keep your relationship happy and healthy.
11 Arguments Every Couple Has And How To Avoid Them
1. Money matters can cause arguments
Couples bringing two different incomes into the relationship can often be found arguing about money. Whether you’re sharing expenses, or paying your own way, money is a common argument that couples often find themselves hashing out. Decide who’s paying for what when it comes to shared expenses, and stick to it. Having a plan will alleviate the stress that is often the trigger for the money argument.
2. Intimacy and daily stress
Unfortunately, this is a big one when it comes to arguments that couples have. If you’ve been together for a long time, spending time together and being intimate can start to be pushed aside due to other daily life stressors. It can cause distance, and fights about other things when all you want is to be close to one another. Talking openly and honestly with your partner about desiring intimate time together can put a stop to the arguments about intimacy.
3. Spending too much time apart
For most relationships, spending time together is one of the greatest joys. Arguments can arise when one or both partners aren’t getting the amount of time together that they need. Organizing a schedule of alone time can help couples who are bombarded with things like work obligations or business travel. Making sure that you can spend time together despite personal and professional obligations will make it so that too much time apart is never an argument you have to have again.
4. Communication. Or rather, a lack of communication
People can often miscommunicate in a relationship, which can lead to difficulties and arguments. psychologist Nikki Martinez mentions, “The couple stops being transparent, starts making assumptions and starts hiding things, which ultimately leads to anger and mistrust.”
If a lack of communication is causing a rift in your relationship, either working on communication skills or finding a better way to communicate can make it so that those arguments happen less frequently.
Couples therapy can help when it comes to communication difficulties, as an outside perspective can be just what couples need to balance things too because “When communication breaks down, and each person thinks it is beyond repair, they will often believe that divorce is the only option,” adds Martinez.
5. Trouble with communicating emotions
Communicating ideas clearly is important for a relationship to succeed, and communicating emotions clearly is just as important. Clinical psychologist Alexandra H. Solomon states, “When spouses become emotionally and physically disengaged, they can start to question their love for each other and wonder, ‘What are we all about?’”
If one or both partners have issues handling their emotions, or their partner’s emotions, it can cause a rift where one or both partners feels as if they’re not getting the emotional support that they need. Again, couples therapy or individual therapy can help mend those problems.
6. Household chores and not sharing the load
Deciding who does what in the household can be a major cause of contention. If one partner works more than the other, they may feel that they shouldn’t have to do as many chores at home. Disagreements over how to divide up chores can be easily avoided when both partners sit down and decide who does what, and what a fair division of household labor would be – instead of arguing about who took the trash out last, decide who’s job it is to take out the trash.
7. Family and friends
An argument that often arises when it comes to family and friends does so around the holidays. Playing host to extended family members can take a toll on couples because of how much energy goes into it. In order to get through the family visits, decide ahead of time the appropriate length of time family members should be staying over – so everyone can enjoy the visit and not feel invaded in their own home.
8. Falling asleep together
Many peoples run on different schedules due to work, or just personal preference. An argument that couples often have is falling asleep at the same time, or at least together. Going to bed alone can make one partner feel neglected. The best way to deal with this is to try and get on the same schedule that works for you both, or compromise having one partner stay in bed and enjoy some intimate time together while the other falls asleep.
9. Unresolved issues
These types of issues can make any relationship more difficult – either personal, unresolved issues, or issues between partners that fester. The arguments that result from these issues are rarely about the root of the problem, which makes them hard to resolve. Staying open and honest with your partner about the things that bother or upset you will make sure that no issue remains unresolved.
10. Intimate difficulties
When it comes to being intimate with your partner, arguments can arise when a couple has problems in the bedroom. Whether the sex is unsatisfying or one person has a lower sex drive than the other, difficulties with intimacy can drive a wedge in any good relationship.
Psychotherapist and author Marcia Naomi Berger says, “It’s oftentimes the man who feels frustrated because his wife seems to have lost interest in having sex with him. Women’s sexual needs are more complex: Maybe he’s not helping her get into the mood with enough foreplay or maybe he hasn’t been emotionally available and responsive to her in general.”
The best way to combat this is to stay open with your partner, and discuss things honestly, and try to work out any issues that you have.
Author Susan Heitler Ph.D., says, “Jealousy in general erupts from a crisis in trust. The trust may be distrust of others, or of oneself.” No one likes to admit when they feel jealous – but jealousy can be one of the major causes of arguments between couples. Of course, combating jealousy isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Keeping open communication with your partner can lessen the arguments that come around when jealousy rears its ugly head, but couples therapy and personal therapy can also make a huge difference when it comes to the insecurities one partner faces that cause the jealousy.
No matter where you’re from, what type of couple you are, or how old you are, or how long you’ve been together … there are some things that every couple is going to end up arguing about sometimes. While it may not be fun, it’s almost inevitable. Learning what major arguments you may face and how to avoid them will keep any couple healthy and happy for as long as they are together.
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